[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Sanders’ Hair Stylist Quits, Cites ‘Overwhelming Workload’

A key member of the Bernie Sanders campaign — the hair stylist — has suddenly resigned.

The chief hair stylist for Bernie Sanders, Vermont Senator and presidential candidate, abruptly quit over the weekend. He cited an “overwhelming workload” in trying to manage the self-described democratic socialist’s hair during the ongoing presidential campaign.

hair stylist quits“It’s like it has a mind of its own. It just won’t stay put!” remarked the stylist, John Kemptlooker, becoming emotional. “I see those wisps in my dreams. Make it stop!”

Bernie Sanders has long been known for his unkempt look. According to the hair stylist, he and Sanders had agreed on trying a different hair style for the 2020 campaign: combed. That plan, however, quickly fell apart.

“I saw him on television making a speech,” Kemptlooker recalled. “One wispy lock came loose, then another. Before I knew it, we had a crisis on our heads — I mean, our hands. During the break, I tried to straighten things out, but the damage was done. He had gone from United States senator to opinionated grandfather.”

The Sanders campaign has not responded to our calls for comment. A spokesperson, however, issued a brief statement shortly after the news broke, saying, “While we’re sad to lose any member of the team — especially one this critical — we’re more jealous than anything. I keep finding gray hairs in my lunch and it’s really freaking me out.”

When asked what he plans to do next, the stylist responded, “I think I’ll take some time off, maybe visit a retreat. Keep my hands out of hair until I’m emotionally and spiritually healed. Then, maybe I’ll move out to Los Angeles, see if folks like Larry David could use my services. What could go wrong?”

Evan Helmlinger

Share
Share