Exclusive excerpts from Donald Trump’s diary, wherein he expresses a few regrets – not mistakes!
As we (meaning I) approach the end of the first of what I am sure will be many terms, it behooves me to write down some of my thoughts which will undoubtedly become part of my amazing historical record.
In this regard, I want to briefly discuss a few of my Presidential regrets. These are not mistakes, mind you, because I don’t make mistakes. Rather, they are simply situations where, in hindsight, I might have made a righter or correcter choice.
• Dreaming up that whole Hunter Biden-Ukraine business to put the screws to Joe. That was a lot of unnecessary effort. I should have known that Joe would flame-out early just like he always does.
• Paying that hush money to Stormy Daniels. Obviously it had no effect one way or the other as to my electoral chances. After all, if I can shoot someone on Fifth Avenue, I can definitely bed a porn star with impunity.
• Ditto for Playmate Karen McDougal. Could have saved myself a few bucks but, hey, that’s life.
• Calling Nancy Pelosi evil. No, just kidding. She’s definitely evil.
• Hiring Jeff Sessions. Who knew the Keebler elf would recuse himself? Anyway, it’s all water under the bridge since the Mueller Report was a big goose egg thanks to Bill Barr.
• Not hiring Bill Barr way earlier. I mistakenly assumed that since he was Bush I’s Attorney-General back in the nineties that he must have had some scruples. Boy was I wrong. This guy will do anything I ask him to including making the Department of Justice my personal lapdog.
• Choosing that stiff Mike Pence as my Vice President. I thought I needed one of those Krazy Kristians on the ticket to nab the evangelical vote but it turns out I had it in the bag anyway. Those clowns gave me a mulligan on Stormy and could care less if I said Two Timothy or Second Timothy.
• Not running earlier. Hard to believe but I think I lacked a bit of self-confidence back in 1988, 2000, 2004 and 2012. Now I see that I could have won the Presidency any time I wanted to.
• Waiting to cozy up to Putin. I guess I was a bit hesitant to embrace the guy given that he’s a ruthless autocrat. Hey, live and learn I always say. It turns out Vlad was a great help and if I had known that earlier, we probably could have won the election by an even more amazing margin.
As old blue eyes himself (Frank not Ronnie) once said, “Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention.” Let’s face it; like Frank, I really did do it my way.