[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump: Western Science is Like Slovenian Women

“You never know what you’re gonna get and when you do they suddenly change their minds.”

The President added: “So-called Western science tells ya one thing and then later it’s something else, and they make you wear protection. Getting a straight answer from these scientists is like negotiating with a Slovenian hooker, ya never know if you gonna get screwed or not.”

WASHINGTON DC — President Trump today launched a scathing attack on “so-called Western science,” which he described as “nasty and changeable as a Slovenian Woman when she’s, ya know, moody. One minute it’s Yes, yes, whatever, and the next it’s Buzz off, you fat, orange slob, I just can’t do this anymore.”

Western scienceTrump said that Slovenians apart, a good recent example was “Tiny Tony Fauci,” who once told him that cruise ships might be okay but then look at what happened! One of his biggest mistakes!

“Suddenly he starts screaming, ‘Hey, I was wrong! Don’t go on cruise ships!’ destroying the whole fucking industry. Call that science? I call it treason! Lock him up!”

Trump went on: “In fact, the extremely reverend Franklin Graham, son of St Billy, said just the other day that Tiny Tony must be wrong because ‘Science isn’t truth, God is’ (22 June 2020).

“I knew that, of course, after reading Second Dueteromney,” Trump continued, noting that the whole problem was western so-called science itself, “a deep-state Liberal agenda radical ideology invented just to stop me getting re-elected.”

He shook his pudgy forefinger. “Scientists pretend they can never make up their minds, but all they really want is money, power and sex.  I can respect that, but then they’re also like those damn Slovenian Women, yes, no, maybe, we need to revisit our prenup arrangement and what about my kid? Ha! Over my dead body!”

Frothing slightly, Trump went on: “Not a lot of people know this, but actual scientists like Copper Knickers and Gallie Leo used to believe that the sun goes around the earth, which it obviously does. I mean just look up at the sky, folks. In the morning it’s there, on the left-hand side, and in the evening it’s on the right. So like Gallie Leo said, It moves! Hey, I’m no ignoranus! He took a sip from a glass of water with two trembling hands.

“But them stupid scientists, suddenly it’s, ‘Oh no, the earth actually goes around the sun! It just looks like the other way around! Well, I’d like to know where the sun goes at night then, when it’s all dark? I mean if we go around it, shouldn’t it just be there all the time, but isn’t?

“I intend to issue an executive order silencing scientists who claim that the earth goes around the sun. They can just shut up along with the evolutionists, Tiny Tony, and the CDC.”

Trump wound up: “All I can say is I’m glad we have true Christian patriots like the son of St Billy and Jerry Farewell Jr to lead us in prayer, because by God we’re gonna need it!”

Michael Egan