The ‘Five Big Questions’ That Donald Trump Swore Only He Could Answer

President Trump said that there were “five big questions” on the infamous cognitive test he took that he says maybe no one else could answer. Our undercover operative has discovered what they were.

As a member of the geriatric set, I am predisposed toward senility. When I heard about the President’s recent cognitive skills test and the “five big questions” he mentioned, my ears pricked, despite my advancing years. Curiosity (if nothing else) aroused, I looked into the matter, even at the risk of being exposed as an IQ or SAT stalker.

Five Big Questions cognitive testAfter stealing a stealth bomber and flying through restricted airhead space in Washington, DC, I came back with surveillance photos that revealed to my immaculately degenerate eyes the secrets that drive inquiry mindless and conversely.

After emerging from the darkroom at Langley (there are so many, even Plato’s cave-dwellers would feel at home), I cried “Eureka!” (the state motto of California, though for the life of me, I can’t recall why). Anyway, as a public service, and in the compound interest of protecting the Statue of Liberty from exposure to COVID when it is torn down and sold for scrap on the copper market, here are the five big questions that Donald Trump swore only he could answer:

1. What is the difference between your ass and your elbow? Illustrate.

2. You have $300 million in one hand and $6 billion in the other. Which one will you steal first? Why?

3. The Russians have been accused of meddling in the last election. What is the most appropriate response?
   (a) Pretend it didn’t happen
   (b) Warn them that “too many crooks spoil the sloth”
   (c) Send them a case of vintage Appalachian vodka
   (d) Beg them to do it again

4. Melania Trump has been arrested for wearing a mask in public. What is the most appropriate response?
   (a) Send her back to Slovenia, or wherever she came from
   (b) Buy her a whole new wardrobe
   (c) Wear a mask, so that you can both be imprisoned
   (d) Let her eat coats

Now for the toughest question of all — the one that separates masters from apprentices, the men from the power-grabbers, and the precious Wheaties boxes from all the Shakespeares:

5. If you were to resign from office prior to January 20, 2021,
   (a) will Mike Pence grant you a full Presidential pardon?
   (b) will the Southern District of NY settle out of court?
   (c) will you avoid having to declare bankruptcy?
   (d) will Brazil grant you asylum, with or without a mask?

With the exception of (2), which (conceivably) someone else might be able to handle, so to speak, and (1), if it were made generic rather than personal, it is clear that only Mr. Trump is qualified, hence in a position to answer these hard questions. Of course, he might get a little help from his friends or even his enemies before the exam, but at the moment of truth (if that is the right word in this context), he would be all alone, as indeed he is, at this very moment.

That just comes with the territory, be it Trump Tower, Atlantic City or Mar-a-Lago. So there’s no reason to doubt the President’s veracity on that score, notwithstanding any scores he may have left to settle when (or if) he leaves office, not to mention any mental or emotional struggle with the spelling of “veracity.”

Thus I am satisfied, as you should be, that these are the questions he flubbed, I mean, faced, and that his agony in dealing with them is no cause for ecstasy on our part. On the contrary, it suggests that there are even tougher questions on the horizon — questions that we must face as a nation, with all the wit we can muster, lest we lose our souls, along with the body politic.

As one who is all too aware of what going on life support means, not to mention, the nearness of death, it’s time to face the music, before the country falls on deaf ears, and ends up face down, without any clue as to how it got there.

Answer me that, you fat cats!

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