Turns out even the Evil One does not want to be associated with QAnon rumors and allegations.
Despite happily copping the blame for September 11, Genghis Khan, Benito Mussolini and the Cultural Revolution of Chairman Mao, the Father of Lies is pissed about certain QAnon rumors and finally starting to hit peak hell-raising.
Turns out even He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Followed is actually ‘deeply disturbed’ by certain ‘blatantly defamatory’ allegations of a recent surge in Satanic evangelism, and of some devilishly impressive quantitative results within the otherwise entirely un-Dickensian, radically compassionate, undyingly caring and wholly and utterly NON-Satanic prison-industrial complex…
Damned Lies & Liars
I’ve always been proud of my endless ingenuity, but there comes a time in your life when you’ve basically done and seen it all. I honestly got quite excited when I saw how devoted my favorite apprentices were: Xi Jinping, Kim Jong Un, Jair Bolsonaro, Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump and Ayatollah Khameini have done such brilliant homework for me (even online as much as offline!), I actually started calling them the Six Assholes of the Twitpocalypse! And yet, just like my three old favourites (death, taxes and a never-ending spikey prison bunk next to Attila the Hun and Charles Manson!) there are some 21st century troubles that inevitably come to us all.
Now I’m not going to be falsely modest… (Probably not my best virtue, huh?!) But yes, I have to be clear that as the absolute unbeaten, first-in-the-world trendsetter and disruptor in demented, mass-murdering, neuron-nuking moral insanity, I’ve done quite a few brilliant things the past few millennia (or dozens!). And I’m normally not shy of taking credit for these things.
But… C’MON, MAN! Do you honestly expect me to cop the blame in these QAnon rumors for some utterly unhinged demon-bothering, Trump-humping, failed Hollywood luvvie of a domestic terrorist with a FREAKING MAGIC CACTUS… Up his STUPID FRICKIN’ ASS??? I mean, give me a freaking BREAK, people! I mean do I really, HONESTLY mean that LITTLE to you?!
FFS, folks: after all I’ve done for you people: without me there would be no late night porn binges, no kerb crawling, no crystal meth, no mass school shootings and if I hadn’t been overruled by some kind of higher power of some sort or other, we’d still be listening to the Peter Gabriel era of Genesis and everyone would be wearing fluffy cotton prawn gimp gear and speaking in Calamariese and kneeling to the mighty crabbycakes!
But do you really think, after giving the world L Ron Hubbard, Vlad the Impaler, Lady Elizabeth Bathory, Pol Pot and the Ronnie James Dio period of Black Sabbath, that even I deserved this one??? I mean, give me some freaking credit people! At least I must have SOME standards… RIGHT?!?!?!
Purely imaginary cosmic reprobate Lord Xenu was unavailable for comment, despite some prior more or less favourable behaviour towards some of his most devoted co-religionists in the Trump administration; however, our confidential, anonymous (and yes, again, entirely non-imaginary!) sources on Planet Kolob deny Mitt Romney and Tom Cruise have anything whatsoever to do with the recent craziness.
So as we couldn’t get an ACTUAL purely imaginary, inexhaustibly compassionate (or even exhaustingly PASSIONATE!) and overwhelmingly omniscient force of nature, we decided to be that little bit more realistic, work within our limits, and just go interview Mitt Romney instead!
Mitt Romney’s Business
Right here in this universe, we have 47% of people who think Jake Angeli is some sort of infallible demi-god, no matter what. These are people who pay no attention to reality and other things that get in the way of their self-imposed victimhood and irredeemably entitled attitude…. And so my job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility for their own actions and care for other people instead of calling them “Satanic pizza-humping sexual deviants” as a way of overcompensating for their own lack of a basically fulfilling and ennobling life. So we made a concerted effort to go find some sufficiently deranged death cult leaders who have backgrounds that could be qualified to become members of our new Party HQ, which will almost certainly not be constructed within some kind of vast and unprecedentedly heavily guarded, mass security, total isolation prison complex in the USA. So we decided to scout a nice under-gentrified property in Pandemonium with a very good buddy of mine who is letting us shack up there… For a hefty price!
So anyway, I went to a number of demon’s groups and said, ‘Can you help us find folks?’ and they brought us whole binders full of mass murdering dictators, terrorists and serial killers. I thought this was great; but the very moment I mentioned the in-house QAnon asylum annex we were planning on adding to enhance the optics of the property a little, we immediately got stoned out of town. Last time we heard, the whole place has now been boarded up! Very sad really.
Still… then again, I guess it’s Satan’s property, isn’t it? So no doubt he can do whatever he likes with it. It’s not really our place to be all meddlesome and interventionist, and to act like armchair moralists and criticize him for anything he’s doing. It’s not the responsibility of politicians or indeed me and the rest of his most faithful lobbyists and business partners to tell him what to do with his own possessions. Personally we are all pretty fine with it, either way! As far as we are concerned, it is all about economic choice, and we aren’t really in the habit of disrespecting people’s choices to do whatever they want with their own property: whatever you’ve toiled for, whether it’s a practically omnipotent gun lobbying organization, a multi-trillionaire pharmaceutical corporation or a million-miles-square real estate empire deep in the uttermost bowels of hellfire, nobody else’s opinion is remotely relevant or consequential in the least but yours, the owner’s!
Now I gather some people may disagree with this, but you know what? That’s perfectly fine! You’re entitled to your opinion. But we are entitled to ours too: after all, we’ve been doing things this way from the beginning of time, and it doesn’t seem to have done us any harm yet. Your property is entirely at your disposal, you just do what you like with it, that is nothing for us to worry about!
All of a sudden we heard a hideous, Satanic growl.
Can I hold you to that, Mitty boy???
A naively beaming Mitt said:
Sure! As far as we are concerned, a contract is a contract! As long as we follow the rules, and go with what we’ve agreed, that lovely night when we slaughtered that virgin goat on the doorstep of the Lincoln Memorial on Walpurgis Night on the eve of the Blue Moon, and as long as we just work with the basic form and letter of what we agreed, instead of getting tangled up in all these pedantic, diversionary, so-called ‘moral scruples,’ and none of us start changing our minds and getting all picky and precious and unrealistically moralistic about it… then what’s not to love?
At this point our team figured we would hit the road, cos we were actually starting to get a bit freaked out by this point.
Why of couuuurttttthhhh, darling, of courtttttthhhh!
the serpent agitator hissed.
I have taught you and all my business partnerth very, very well…
We were going to ask Jakey Baby about it too, but he is too busy storming Paradise demanding to know where the Peyote is.
(Or at least the Paradise City of Guns ‘N’ Roses, where the plants is green and the men are… well, let’s not even go there!)
And yet, from what we gather, despite untold aeons of unsettled rivalry, even God is having second thoughts about dropping the Miraculous Meth Munchkin, Jake Angeli, down on the crazy head of dear old Lucycakes!
But if that sounds about as bitterly irresolvable a game of hot potato as the world has ever seen, just wait til you see what happens when a million Q-tips finally make it to the other side…
This article was originally published here.