[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Statue of Liberty Heartbroken: ‘Goodbye, Cruel World!’

In an apparent botched suicide attempt, the Statue of Liberty tried to drown herself, mourning the “end of all I stood for.”

In a most disturbing international development, the Statue of Liberty has attempted suicide by walking into the Hudson River.

Statue of Liberty
Statue of Liberty “in rehab.”

According to her psychoanalyst, she had been depressed for quite some time, self-medicating with alcohol and giant blunts, which she periodically ashed on tourist’s heads.

Putting down her torch to give the finger, she swayed drunkenly, saying things like; “What are you idiots gawking at! It’s over! It’s all over! Liberty! Freedom! What a crock of shit!” At which point she took another sip of wine from a paper bag and puked all over her sandals, breaking into sobs of “Oh God! I’m such a piece of shit!”

Too tall to properly drown herself in the Hudson, she had little choice but to remount her platform. Now donning a leather jacket, dying her hair green, and declaring herself a punk, she crossed out her inscription with spray paint and replaced it with the words, “NOT WELCOME!” Laughing hysterically.

Things got even more heated when she decided to bend down, lift her gown, and pee on a group of Trump-supporters who tried to put a giant MAGA hat on her head. Screaming, “What the hell are you doing!” She replied, “Making America Great Again!” As they ran away screaming, “Ow! My eyes! My eyes!”

Further tourism has been shut down while the Statue convalesces at a nearby psyche-ward.

Share
Share