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Jesus Christ Endorses Bernie Sanders for President

Jun 132015
 By , June 13, 2015

‘Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,’ sayeth the Lord, throwing his support to Bernie Sanders.

HEAVENSGATE – Jesus Christ endorsed Bernie Sanders for president today, during a wide-ranging heavenly interview about world and celestial affairs. The Lord said that His Father fully agreed with Him and that the Holy Ghost was “slowly coming around and would certainly be there by election time.”

Jesus supporting Bernie Sanders

Jesus Christ: “The old codger may be a Jewish socialist, but I support Bernie Sanders.”

He noted that the Virgin Mary remained inclined to support Hillary on gender grounds, and also didn’t like Bernie’s religious skepticism. But while Sanders wasn’t a Christian or even a theist, Jesus said he would continue to support him anyway.

“I know the old codger is an atheist Jewish socialist,” He admitted. “But if you forget the adjectives, you’ll see that we stand for pretty much the same things, him and Me. You could sum up Bernie’s campaign as, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ which is the core of what I had to say.”

After a moment Jesus added: “Actually, I’ve come up with some improvements over the years. ‘Don’t do unto others what you wouldn’t like them doing unto you,’” He said. “For example, not taking away poor and sick folks’ health insurance, or forbidding people from feeding them on the streets. I mean, for My sakes, that’s just basic.”

Jesus said that because Sanders stood against Mammon — the Big Money interests — he was “naturally” of the party of God, whatever his personal religious opinions. “He’s just the good Samaritan,” Jesus sagely remarked.

“I always said you cannot serve both God and Mammon at the same time,” he added, “And there is no doubt about whose side of the street Bernie is actually on, or where you’ll find his so-called Christian opponents. They’re so stuffed with greenbacks you can see the edges poking out their hairy ears. Those camels haven’t got a hope of getting in here.”

Jesus wept. “Indeed, Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,” He said. “The new Trinity is David, Charles and Sheldon.”

“Ironically,” continued the Lord, “Bernie alone among your presidential candidates stands for true Christian values – compassion for the poor and hungry, respect for the elderly, care for the young and sick, and justice tempered with mercy for the rest.

“Bernie Sanders is more like Me than most of those whited sepulchers who molest children, steal and cheat, rape the fracking environment, start wars, and cross upon the other side when there’s one in need.”

Jesus noted that it was against His Father’s rules to intervene directly in the American electoral process by, for example, miraculously changing the vote outcome, or eliminating the GOP’s vicious vote-suppression laws. He was tempted, but also wasn’t allowed to enlighten “idiots” like Justices Scalia and Thomas.

“Sorry, but it’s that damn Free Will thing again,” He explained. “You guys have just gotta do it for yourselves. My Mom and I can lament and appear from time to time to uneducated, teenage girls, but in the end all We’re really allowed to do is give you losers some good advice.

“So here it is. Go to and get involved. I don’t want to be a spoiler, but the American story will have a really depressing ending if you don’t.”

He touched his exposed, sacred heart. “Beam me up, Scotty,” he said, and in a poof disappeared.

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Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it.

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  • SueD

    Jesus did not have blond hair and blue eyes, but other than that, this is pretty funny.

  • W. S. Byrd

    Based on the teachings of Jesus, this article would
    be truth rather than humor.

  • W. S. Byrd

    The next article could be about the return of Jesus . . . just so he can get to the polls to vote for Sanders. Of course, Rethug’s would find a way to nullify Christ’s vote.