[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,’ sayeth the Lord, throwing his support to Bernie Sanders.
HEAVENSGATE – Jesus Christ endorsed Bernie Sanders for president today, during a wide-ranging heavenly interview about world and celestial affairs. The Lord said that His Father fully agreed with Him and that the Holy Ghost was “slowly coming around and would certainly be there by election time.”
He noted that the Virgin Mary remained inclined to support Hillary on gender grounds, and also didn’t like Bernie’s religious skepticism. But while Sanders wasn’t a Christian or even a theist, Jesus said he would continue to support him anyway.
“I know the old codger is an atheist Jewish socialist,” He admitted. “But if you forget the adjectives, you’ll see that we stand for pretty much the same things, him and Me. You could sum up Bernie’s campaign as, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ which is the core of what I had to say.”
After a moment Jesus added: “Actually, I’ve come up with some improvements over the years. ‘Don’t do unto others what you wouldn’t like them doing unto you,’” He said. “For example, not taking away poor and sick folks’ health insurance, or forbidding people from feeding them on the streets. I mean, for My sakes, that’s just basic.”
Jesus said that because Sanders stood against Mammon — the Big Money interests — he was “naturally” of the party of God, whatever his personal religious opinions. “He’s just the good Samaritan,” Jesus sagely remarked.
“I always said you cannot serve both God and Mammon at the same time,” he added, “And there is no doubt about whose side of the street Bernie is actually on, or where you’ll find his so-called Christian opponents. They’re so stuffed with greenbacks you can see the edges poking out their hairy ears. Those camels haven’t got a hope of getting in here.”
Jesus wept. “Indeed, Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,” He said. “The new Trinity is David, Charles and Sheldon.”
“Ironically,” continued the Lord, “Bernie alone among your presidential candidates stands for true Christian values – compassion for the poor and hungry, respect for the elderly, care for the young and sick, and justice tempered with mercy for the rest.
“Bernie Sanders is more like Me than most of those whited sepulchers who molest children, steal and cheat, rape the fracking environment, start wars, and cross upon the other side when there’s one in need.”
Jesus noted that it was against His Father’s rules to intervene directly in the American electoral process by, for example, miraculously changing the vote outcome, or eliminating the GOP’s vicious vote-suppression laws. He was tempted, but also wasn’t allowed to enlighten “idiots” like Justices Scalia and Thomas.
“Sorry, but it’s that damn Free Will thing again,” He explained. “You guys have just gotta do it for yourselves. My Mom and I can lament and appear from time to time to uneducated, teenage girls, but in the end all We’re really allowed to do is give you losers some good advice.
“So here it is. Go to www.berniesanders.com and get involved. I don’t want to be a spoiler, but the American story will have a really depressing ending if you don’t.”
He touched his exposed, sacred heart. “Beam me up, Scotty,” he said, and in a poof disappeared.
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