[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
New Body-Language Translator™ reveals Bernie Sanders and others’ innermost thoughts
NEW YORK – Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders (I-Vt) indulged in a fiesta of vulgarity yesterday when responding to a question from New York Times reporter Ana Marie Cox.
The award-wining columnist had asked Sanders point-blank whether he thought it was fair that Hillary’s hair was subject to a lot more scrutiny than his.
Apparently taken aback, Sen. Sanders asked Ms Cox to repeat her question. Then looking straight at her he said loudly, “Fuck you, you stupid bitch!”
Actually, that’s only what he thought, at least according to Google’s new BodySense Translator™, a cell phone sized device able to quickly read and assimilate a subject’s temperature, vocal inflection, hand/leg gestures, facial expression, blink rate and pupil dilation.
The total Actual Inner Message (AIM) is then analyzed according to ‘Body Signal’ (BS) principles, first developed by Freudian psychologist Wilhelm Reich, whose work was later burned by the US Government. A computerized read-out provides the meaning or meanings really intended, though a speaker’s actual words might suggest something different, as in Bernie Sanders’ case.
Here’s what the Senator actually said, in words rather than body language: “Okay, Ana, I don’t mean to be rude here. I am running for president of the United States on serious issues, okay? Do you have serious questions?”
After checking her own Google BodySense Translator™, the appalled and incredulous Ms Cox could only repeat herself. Between little gasps of astonishment and fury she insisted that her question was, in fact, quite serious, due to the “gendered reason” the media focused more on female candidates’ appearance.
But the hard-headed Bernie Sanders uncompromisingly doubled-down.
“Oh, fuck off, for Christ’s sakes,” he said. “You fucking privileged bitches waltz in here and try to sound all feminist and progressive, when what you’re really hoping for are a few cheap headlines to advance your own shallow careers.”
He stuck his finger down his throat and gagged like a buzzard. “You literally make me puke!”
Wiping off his finger he glanced challengingly around the room. “I ask again,” he said, “does anyone here have any serious questions? How about the fact that millions will go to bed hungry tonight while Donald Trump sticks his finger up his fat, self-satisfied ass?”
Again, the above is merely a translation of Sanders’ body language, tone of voice and facial expressions.
What he actually said was: “When the media worries about what Hillary’s hair looks like or what my hair looks like, that’s a real problem.” Bernie Sanders’ own wispy locks lifted slightly in the breeze.
“We have millions of people who are struggling to keep their heads above water, who want to know what candidates can do to improve their lives,” Sanders said. “And the media will very often spend more time worrying about hair than the fact that we’re the only major country on Earth that doesn’t guarantee health care to all people.”
[Editor’s Note: According to Humor Times’ office BodySense Translator™, after filing her report, Ana Marie Cox intends to resign her NYT position and retire to a Nasturtium Monastery, to pursue penance and forgiveness for the rest of her miserable existence. Translation only, actual phrasing not provided.]
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