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[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]

Psychic Warns Hillary Clinton of ‘Horrible Berning in 2016’

Nov 132015
 By , November 13, 2015

Staffers say that Hillary Clinton has not been the same since a discussion with “Miss Cleo.”

WASHINGTON — Earlier today, a senior campaign staffer close to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton confirmed a popular psychic from the late 1990s named “Miss Cleo” had warned Mrs. Clinton of a “horrible Berning in 2016.” Clinton laughed at questions from the press about the private discussion she took part in with Miss Cleo, and stated she was “not very concerned about any psychic reading I allegedly received this morning.”

Miss Cleo warns Hillary Clinton“It was a rough morning. Miss Cleo warned Secretary Clinton that 2016 contained some terrible ‘Berning’ for her. It was really weird, because the psychic actually told Hillary how to spell ‘Berning,’ and informed her it was a ‘proper adjective,’ whatever the hell that is,” stated the senior Hillary 2016 campaign staffer, who spoke to TNA on condition of anonymity.

The senior campaign staffer added, “Secretary Clinton has not been the same since her discussion with Miss Cleo ended at around dawn. She keeps telling us over and over again that she ‘will not allow Bernie Sanders to do to her what Obama did to her in 2008,’ namely be a more likable, overall better candidate.”

Democratic presidential candidate Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont responded to TNA’s request for comment by stating he had “no affiliation whatsoever with Miss Cleo, and couldn’t care less who Hillary Clinton talks to in her very limited private time away from the bankers, who are her largest donors.”

Clinton released a statement to TNA that read, “Of course, I want stiff competition for the Democratic presidential nomination that should be mine after Obama stole it from me in 2008. My opponents can expect good-natured attack ads to ruin their bids for president, especially Bernie.”

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Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.

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