[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘Facial hair is the work of Allah himself,’ proclaims new ‘Jesus Shaves!’ Republican movement, who criticize Paul Ryan.
MOBIL, AL — Throughout Appalachia and the American south today horrified and panicked Mountain Men – and a few of their women – sought to remove their beards and other facial hair as quickly as possible.
As sales of electric and hand-held razors spiked almost everywhere, shares in Gillette and Schick skyrocketed. During the night, Walgreens and CVS stores were broken into and their shelves picked clean of anything resembling a razor, even the pink girl kind.
Those unable to get their hands on a manufactured tool knelt weeping by the roadside, clawing and scraping at their chins with rocks. Others smeared depilatory creams over the cheeks and ran screaming in chemical agony down the highways. Two brothers accidentally sliced open their own throats trying to shave with broken beer bottles.
Many, if not all, of the possessed appear to be members or supporters of the new Jesus Shaves! patriotic movement, a rapidly ballooning “tea party” within the Tea Party, which holds that beards are actually “the work of Satan-Allah, and have no place in a God-fearing, Christian nation.”
According to Jesus Shaves! spokeswoman, Ima Nutts, “It’s a matter of hair today, gone tomorrow.”
Any adult US male, Ms Nutts warned, who is less than completely clean shaven — “and no exceptions for mustaches!” — is in danger of being outed as a “Secret Satan-Muslimist” or, at the very least, a “Sec-Mus-Symp,” or sympathizer.
Such people, said Ms Nutts, just naturally tend to be liberals and/or believers in the Constitution’s non-establishment clause. “So we encourage city police to shoot them all on sight,” she smiled, “since obviously they can get away with it.”
Ima Nutts went on to explain that the Jesus Shaves! movement “just sprang spontaneously into life last week” when House Speaker. Paul Ryan (R-WI), “suddenly grew a thick black Muslim beard and began openly cooperating with the President!”
Since Obama is a well-known secret Muslim, Ms Nutts continued – a fact repeated daily in the media for the past eight years – Paul Ryan has, in her opinion, finally tipped his evil Mohammedan hand.
“He’s obviously a secret Muslim too,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t know how we missed it in the past. Probably because he was clean-shaven. The Bible clearly warns us that the Devil may shave whiskers for his purpose.”
Ms Nutts added that even the slightest facial hair, never mind a “huge, ugly Imam’s Beard” like Ryan’s, suggests a suspicious softness towards the evils of Satan-Muslimism.
One result therefore, she said, was that in Congress the right-wing Freedom Caucus has begun drafting new legislation banning “any and all Muslim-like” facial hair.
“When all beards are illegal, only the illegals will have beards,” Ms Nutts pointed out. “Our view is that if you look like a Muslim, you are one. Sikh and ye shall find,” she cracked.
“Besides,” the spokes lady concluded, “it will make things a whole lot easier when the time comes to round them up.
“Oops, scratch that.”
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