[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Millions of Americans prepare to flee the US if Trump wins, but neighboring countries aim to keep out flood of refugees.
HARTFORD CT — As it becomes increasingly possible that racist idiot Donald Trump could actually become the next US president, millions of frightened and apprehensive citizens are hastily preparing to sell up, sell out and flee the country.
“It’s not just the sallow-skinned heathen who’ll be seeking political asylum abroad,” said UConn history professor Dr Zucchini Vegan, head of the neo-immigration network Let’s All Unite and Go to Havana! (LAUGH).
“No,” Dr Vegan continued, “it’s also the gays, dykes, queers, TUVWXYs and Zs, liberals, eccentrics, women who have periods, and of course Miss Ivanka Trump, who says she just can’t wait to get away from her creepy old dad.”
Vegan added that while only Tea Party members actually wanted Trump to be president, vote-suppression, the overwhelming power of Koch-Adelson money, stringent ID requirements, and the reduced accessibility of polling stations guaranteed victory to whomever the GOP nominee may be. And that’s almost certainly going to be “Mein Trumpf.”
Inevitably, the bordering states of Mexico and Canada, said Dr Vegan, were likely first-destination choices, though he had heard that a few hardy souls were assembling a fleet of rubber dinghies near Miami in a desperate attempt to reach Cuba.
In Mexico City today government spokeswoman Immaculata Concepcion noted that, “In a sense, your Seňor Trump was right when he predicted that we would gladly pay for the anti-immigration wall.
“Es cierto! Now we can’t get it in place quickly enough, with Trump just a few months away. Who knows when it will end? Our experts predict more than a hundred thousand gringo wetbacks splashing across the Rio Grande every day.
“For some reason they believe they are required to carry cantaloupes stuffed in their trousers and pantyhose. We don’t understand this, but believe it has something to do with Rep. Steve King. We are looking into it.”
Senora Concepcion added, “Unfortunately, Mexico cannot possibly handle all these political refugees. Do you think we are Greece?
“Also, there’s the projected second wave of west-coast liberals and pot-sucking Coloradans they say are coming. And who knows what the hell will not be staying in Vegas now? So a wall, amigos, is an immediate necessity for us!”
In Canada, a government spokesmen said, “Eh?” and then, when told of Mexico’s plans, “Eh??” and “EH??!”
After consulting with the Foreign Ministry, the spokesman made a brief announcement.
“Apparently, we, too, will be building a wall soon,” he said. “And apparently the first thing we’re gonna do is push Rob Ford and Stephen Harper through to your side and lock the bloody gates forever.
“You think the wall in King Kong was impenetrable? Ha, just you try coming in here with your toxic American viruses like money greed and the Second Amendment!
“And also, no Justin Bieber or Ted Cruz! Maybe they started here, but by gum they’re your problems now!”
Construction of both walls will be complete by January 2017.
If you liked this story, check out Michael Egan’s “Superman Abandons Earth And Other News They Won’t Tell You” (Humor Times Books, 2016), his new collection of outrageous news, interviews, jokes, verbal caricatures and rhymes! Available from Amazon.com.
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