[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
King Herod and the Pharisees embarrassed again, as regional Acting Governor (A.G.) washed his hands and recused himself.
JERUSALEM – A new and explosive Dead Sea scroll discovered in the hills above Judea, Israel, shows that Pontius Pilate recused himself in the trial of Jesus Christ after it was revealed that he and King Herod were in the pay of local Pharisees demanding Our Lord’s crucifixion.
Appointed by the King, the Acting Governor (A.G.) of Judea had been expected to routinely condemn God’s Son to Death after a travesty of a trial.
However, a report in Revelations, a local gospel described as “just another fake testament” by Herod’s office in Rome, disclosed that the A.G. secretly met with the Pharisees in order to secure an unjust conviction of Jesus against all the evidence.
As is common in such matters, the A.G. recused himself by publicly washing his hands of the matter and returning to his office to practice further secret injustices we wot not of.
“I don’t remember meeting with the Pharisees,” the A.G. said, pointy ears quivering. “It’s not as if they wear labels saying ‘I am a Pharisee.’
“Basically, I just do what King Herod tells me to do, while pretending objectivity. That’s my job. I had no idea he was little hands-in-glove with the Pharisees. I think this gospel is just another fake testament, frankinsensely, but thou sayest.”
Local Jews were said to be “jewbilant,” until news spread that the Pharisees were planning to crucify Him anyway, along with other common criminals.
“Evidence-shmevidence,” said Spicey Shorn, a corrupt mouthpiece for the King known to have long ago sold his soul for a mess of pottage.
“Jesus, he’s just another anchor baby,” Shorn said, “whose parents are illegal immigrants from Nazareth. They don’t even render unto Caesar like they should.
“I’ve heard they came here on an ass and were repeatedly refused housing at the local inns. Who knows where they had Him? Probably in some cowshed. And now they want to stay? After His crucifixion, they will be immediately deported back from whence they came. We have no choice, or at least they don’t.”
Spicey Shorn added: “They should be grateful we don’t behead them like we did John the Baptist. Kellyanne Jezebel has been demanding their heads on gold platters for months now.”
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