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Nancy Freiberg

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Nancy Freiberg has been a writer and editor for more than 25 years. Her humorous stories have been published in the New York Times, the Funny Times, and of course, the Humor Times.

Dec 222012
 
 By , December 22, 2012

NRA head says gun manufacturers, who already make a mini-rifle, should make a mini-mini-rifle for kids

In addition to suggesting American schools have armed officers on hand to shoot massacre-prone maniacs, NRA head Wayne LaPierre today suggested that teachers, school bus drivers, counselors, janitors and children over the age of 5 should be equipped with semi-automatic rifles.

nra kids guns

Girl with gun and flag, Seattle Municipal Archives, flickr.com.

“If even just one of those 6-year-olds in Connecticut had a rifle with him, this tragedy never would have happened,” said LaPierre, whose last name literally means “The Dick” in French.

When asked how a 5-year-old could handle a rifle, LaPierre said he would ask the gun manufacturers, who already make a mini-rifle, to make a mini-mini-rifle, which would be very small but still have a 30-magazine round.

“We want to make sure these little guys can whack the killer.”

In an earlier press conference, the NRA Head Dick talked about an online game called “Kindergarten Killers” in which game players try to kill virtual kindergarteners for fun.

“It’s been online for 10 years,” he said. “How come my research staff can find it, and all of yours couldn’t?”*

A reporter, suppressing a gag reflex, noted that the press rarely has research assistants.

“Why did you ask your research staff to look for a game that encourages people to pretend to kill small children?” she asked.

“Um,” LaPierre replied. “Well, we, ah, we ah, were looking for reasons … we were packing, I mean, getting a lot of heat, a lot of blame from the public about the recent massacre and we just wanted to show that other people, ah, might could be responsible.”

He said the game should be what it sounds like – a game that has virtual kindergarteners killing virtual killers.

“That would help a lot with training the kids to use the mini-mini-rifles,” LaPierre noted.

The NRA head also said teachers and other school personnel should have semi-automatic weapons.

“Suppose a school bus driver about to deliver some kids to school sees some nutcase with a gun headed toward the cafeteria?” LaPierre proposed. “The bus driver can blow that guy away, no problem.”

“What if the person he kills turns out to be a janitor?” asked another member of the press.

“That couldn’t happen under the NRA proposal,” LaPierre said. “See, all school personnel issued semi-automatics would be required to wear orange hunting outfits.”

Reporters also questioned whether giving guns to school counselors was a good idea.

“Don’t you think a student with an emotional problem might be hesitant to seek help if he or she knows the counselor has a rifle in the office?”

“Are you kidding?” the NRA Head Dick replied. “That’s the best part! If a troubled kid comes to a school counselor and sounds really crazy, the counselor can rip his guts up with the rifle. That’s called ripping, I mean, nipping problems in the bud!”

Teachers would also have a lot more control in the classroom, he added.

“Say some wise-ass 10-year-old puts gum on a teacher’s chair,” LaPierre said. “How much laughing is going to happen if that kid gets a toe blown off? Think more kids in that class will try any more pranks? I don’t think so.”

There was time for one final question.

“You’re not saying all this to increase the number of people required to own guns, thus giving a huge boost to gun manufacturers, are you?”

LaPierre glared at the reporter and pretended to load a gun and point it at him.

“Maybe reporters need to carry guns too,” he said. “You never know what might happen.”

*LaPierre actually said this.

Nov 082012
 
 By , November 8, 2012
Obama Says Karl Rove is Right About Him Suppressing the Vote

Karl Rove insists his Fox News rant has been vindicated President Obama, elated after his reelection Tuesday night, said today that Karl Rove was right when he said the president had “succeeded by suppressing the vote.” “Listen,” Obama said. “I’ve been fighting for civil rights [more…]

Oct 302012
 
Thanks, Groupon!

A customer’s correspondence with all-knowing Groupon By Nancy Freiberg and Jon Mathis   Dear Groupon: Thanks for your latest e-mail of fabulous offers. How do you know me so well? Do you have secret hidden Groupon cameras everywhere? Because otherwise, how could you know that [more…]

Oct 292012
 
 By , October 29, 2012
Romney Tries New 'Hermit Crab' Strategy

‘It’s kind of like Bain,’ says Romney, ‘hollow out and move in’ Failing to succeed with a snail strategy, Gov. Mitt Romney has resorted to acting like a terrestrial hermit crab. Scientists recently discovered that the terrestrial hermit crab is the only animal that socializes [more…]

Oct 192012
 
 By , October 19, 2012
The Sketchiest Debate Ever

Can ‘Etch A Sketch’ debate format draw in more visually-oriented youth voters? In a nod to a Mitt Romney aide, who once said his boss’ campaign is “kind of like an Etch A Sketch,” an additional presidential debate took place last night incorporating the popular [more…]

Oct 152012
 
 By , October 15, 2012
Eeny, Minnie, Tiny Ho

Barneys New York to build on successful transformation of Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck Reeling from the success of making Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck look like anorexic whores, Barneys New York has decided to exploit other childhood icons as models for designer clothing. “Daisy [more…]

Sep 272012
 
 By , September 27, 2012
Mitt Romney Humor: Tagg, You're It!
Mitt Romney Humor: Tagg, You're It!

They say Mitt’s too stiff, but check it out, he’s got chops! That Mitt Romney sure has a sense of humor. How about that joke he just made about his wife’s plane filling up with smoke and she was choking and why didn’t they just [more…]

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