[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Furious Gun Owners Demand the Right to Marry Their Guns

Claiming discrimination, gun owners demand the right to marry their guns, “or else.”

In a twist that gives new meaning to the term “shotgun wedding,” Second Amendment activists are now demanding the right to marry their guns. This comes after gun enthusiast Jack Ascot was denied a marriage license to wed his beloved AK-47.

gun owners, Ted Nugent
King of manic gun owners, Ted Nugent.

“I was flabbergasted when I was told that I couldn’t marry my own gun,” he explained. “It was so emotionally devastating that I still have nightmares about it! I ran straight back home and spent the rest of the night crying and biting my pillow. It just makes me want to scream. Either that or kill someone. I mean, where’s the love?”

Gun rights activist Maximillian C. Slaughter agreed. “It seems downright un-American,” he complained, “After all, if girly-boys can marry each other why can’t gun owners marry their own guns? It’s so unfair! And it’s a proven fact that gun owners face a constant barrage of harassment and discrimination. Whenever we show even the slightest hint of affection towards our guns, with, say, a comforting caress or a gentle loving kiss, people look at us funny. What the hell’s their problem, anyway!? We just want to live our lives. Or else, if you know what I mean.”

The NRA has given it’s full support to the protestors, citing Second Amendment rights as well as positive economic benefits.

“Gun rights are fun rights,” insisted NRA spokeswoman Kaye Osterman,  “and don’t forget that gun corporations are people too. It’s time for our guns to come out of the closet. There’s absolutely no reason people shouldn’t be able to marry their own guns and, like it says in the Bible, until death do they part, Case closed, end of discussion, checkersmate. And gun-wedding ceremonies would also help to stimulate local economies, with “Gunnymoon” resorts  (an NRA registered trademark with available franchise opportunities) opening up all over the country. Hard-hit towns such as Columbine Colorado, Parkland Florida, Newtown Connecticut, Buffalo New York, and of course Uvalde Texas could finally catch a break and cash in on their notoriety! We just hope that we haven’t forgotten anyone, because the list seems almost endless.”

In a related development, Donald Trump has demanded the right to marry himself.

Ralph Lombard