[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Putin Letter to Santa Claus Discovered

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

The Slobovian Secret Service (SSS) has uncovered a letter to Santa from Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Slobovian Secret Service agents Redd Hotte and One Hotte Messe have laid their hands on Russian President Vladimir Putin’s personal letter to Santa Claus. The agents were in Russian on a covert operation to investigate a rumor that Putin was planning to slip a crack unit of snipers and saboteurs into The Ukraine disguised as Santa’s elves.

letter to Santa from PutinDuring their investigation, the agents were uncovered by Russian General Volfgang Krudski. In the ensuing firefight, the agents were able to overcome the General and his six-man hit squad using Molotov cocktails made of vodka. It was on the dead general’s person that they discovered Mr. Putin’s
letter to Santa.

The letter was addressed to “Comrade Santa Clauski” at the North Pole, Russia, and read:

Dear Comrade Santa Clauski,

I been good little Babooshki this year… only start one war. I leave you plate of cookies and Vodka. I want lotta stuff:

• I want you nuke Ukraine.
• I Want you nuke Zelenskyy and bring me his good-looking wife.
• I want you nuke Biden so my best bud Trump can be President to United States.
• I want you bring me whole new Russian army… one I got full of pussies from Siberian Bandstand. I want army like Comrade Stalin had.
• I want lots of new bang bang drones, new missiles and rockets and lots of bullets and Vodka.
• I want Starbucks come back. Russian coffee taste like shittski.

Bring me all that, I pay you when I get big check from North Korea.

Merry Christmaski,
Littkle Vlady

SNN Words To Live By

“No woman is worth crawling on the earth.” — The Four Seasons, “Walk Like a Man,” 1963 song.

“Shoopshoop, Shangalang and Jiggybop.” — Larry Chance and the Earls, “Remember,” 1961 song.

“Dooby, Dooby, Doo.” — Frank Sinatra, “Stranger in the Night,” 1966 song.

Ted Holland