[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Johnson Introduces ‘Comprehensive’ Immigration Bill

GOP House prepares hard-line comprehensive legislation for new president.

Addressing the chamber he heads, House Speaker Mike Johnson outlined the provisions of H.R. 01-06-21, which he promised would provide “a sea change” in the manner in which immigration is handled by the United States. He said the bill is “comprehensive” and has seven major provisions, ranging from asylum seekers to deportation, from sending the military to the border to interdiction of fentanyl.

comprehensive immigration legislation, says Mike Johnson
Mike Johnson offers “comprehensive” immigration bill. Photo: Office of Speaker Mike Johnson, Public Domain.

Shoot-to-kill for Fentanyl Smugglers: “100,000 new Border Control agents will be sent to the Mexican border,” said Johnson. “And they won’t be going empty-handed.” The Speaker enumerated the gear which the agents will carry, including AR-15s, frag grenades, land mines, piano wire-garrotes, bottles of poisoned Mexican beer and other “unpleasant but necessary devices.”

Asylum seekers: “There will temporarily be no asylum program in the United States,” said Johnson, indicating the hiatus may last for as long as four or five years. “It’s time for shit-hole countries to get their own house in order and not bring their rapists, murderers, and thieves to this great land.” Johnson indicated that he got that quote from newly-elected President Donald J. Trump, who was sworn in for his second term only days ago. Temporary Protected Status (TPS), whereby individuals fleeing for their lives can gain asylum, “is now a thing of the past.” He personally thanked the new Director of Homeland Security, Steven Miller, for raising the idea.

Detention Facilities: Construction will commence on a proposed 1,000 Vermin Containment Facilities (VCFs) in the Arizona desert, come this fall. Each facility will house some 10,000 illegal and/or undesirable aliens who have crossed the border into the U.S. A construction company affiliated with Trump Hotels has been contracted to provide minimal housing, feeding and recreational facilities. In response to pundits who have questioned the humanity of housing that many humans in so small a facility (90,000 sq. ft.), Johnson remarked that it “Wasn’t intended to be the Hilton,” but that, being a Trump structure “carries a cachet all its own.” Johnson declined to comment on rumors that the VCFs are building ovens at the facilities.

Separation of Families: While a controversial element of Trump’s immigration policy in his first term, the president vowed during the 2024 campaign to reinstate the policy in his second term. “I prayed about it,” averred the Speaker, “and He told me to take them babies away! They’ll never see them again, till they get their minds right!” Johnson added that the children, numbering some 1.3 million between the ages of 3 and 14, will be transported to California, where they will be “trained in agricultural pursuits,” until age 21, at which time they will be transferred to a VCF and ultimately, deported.

Completion of the Border Wall: Johnson said that completion of the border wall is perhaps emblematic of the House’s renewed focus on immigration reform. The approximately 2,000 mile border will be demarked by a 200-ft. wall composed of cinder blocks and steel pylons, and festooned with razor wire and have broken glass encrusted in the outer surface of the barrier. Johnson thanked Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green (R. GA) for her suggestion to station snipers along the length of the wall and to install land mines at the base of the structure. Those illegals who become entangled in the razor wire will “be left dangling,” he said, “as a practical warning to like-minded beaners.” The wall, said the Speaker, will be paid for by Mexico.

Use of the Military Against Cartels: Speaker Johnson said that, not only would the presence of ICE and the Border Patrol be enhanced, but the U.S. Army would be dispatched to areas in Mexico thought to contain the drug cartels which have terrorized citizens and tourists for years. And the U.S. Air Force would be used to deploy The Joint Air-to-Surface Standoff Missile-Extended Range (JASSM-ER) on suspicious sites.

End Birthright Citizenship: Johnson said the new law would end “the absurd notion that a person born in the U.S. is automatically a citizen.” He said that “wetback chicks get knocked up” and then “sprint across the border and squirt out an American citizen. This has got to stop.” He added that, in line with this measure, ideological tests would be implemented to “remove those individuals — citizens or not — who favor Hamas, Ukraine, or other of our sworn enemies” and are not loyal to the U.S.

Speaker Johnson concluded his 31 minute address by offering to take questions from reporters in the gallery. But, when no questions were forthcoming, owing to the new Media Containment Act, which was passed days ago to forestall “impertinent and untoward questions” from the press, Johnson dismissed the House by noting enigmatically, “You ain’t see nothin’ yet!”

Bill Tope