[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

‘War President’ Trump: U.S. ‘Cleaned Iran’s Clock’ with ‘Big, Beautiful Bombs’

In an Oval Office speech today, Trump says that he “likes being a war president” and that “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

Claiming that he now feels “like a real man” following U.S. bombardment of uranium enrichment facilities in Iran, Trump said in an address from the Oval Office today that he “likes being a war president” and that “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

war president Trump broom
Photo: Doctor Popular, CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.

After the bombing mission, Iranian officials confirmed that three nuclear facilities, Fordow, Natanz and Isfahan, were struck. The extent of the damage is unknown, but Trump said unequivocally that “we wiped their ass!”

The munitions used were 30,000 lb. GBU-57 Massive Ordnance Penetrators, knwon as “bunker-busters,” which were delivered by B-2 bombers.

Iran’s plans to retaliate remain unclear. The U.S. occupies some 20 military bases in the Middle East; plus “swarming” of U.S. ships by torpedo boats or by drones is a possibility as well. When asked by reporters if the president had approached Congress prior to the attack, as provided for in the U.S. Constitution, DoD Secretary Pete Hegseth waved the question away.

“The Constitution,” opined Hegseth, “is fine as far as it goes. However, when it comes to national security, you can’t have 535 National Security Advisors. The President had to act; he acted; end of story.” Asked if he considered the U.S. to be at war with Iran, Vice President JD Vance said he does not. “I mean we dropped, what, only a half million pounds of explosives on Iranian soil; that’s not an act of war,” he declared. “It’s more of a tourist visit.”

Trump reiterated that likes assuming the cloak of a “war president, noting that it has added 20 yards to his drive off the tee and that “it makes my putter stand out straight.” Melania was less excited about it.

Bill Tope
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