Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about aluminum foil, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

A new study reports that wrapping your teeth in aluminum foil might actually help you make them whiter

… And, get free Wi-Fi, to boot.

Trump removed the bust of MLK Jr from Oval Office

Clearly, someone didn’t understand the meaning of No Kings Day.

Alaska just issued its first heat advisory

… Now, we’re talking some baked Alaskans.

Trump vowed to be a ‘peacemaker’ but Iran and other conflicts only ramping up on his watch

Maybe, when Trump said he was the ‘Peace President,’ he meant he wanted a piece of Greenland, a piece of Canada, a piece of Iran, a piece of Panama and a piece of Gaza.

Blockbuster trade sends Kevin Durant to Houston Rockets from Phoenix Suns, Durant’s fifth team in HOF career

I can’t be only one thinking that Kevin Durant’s career is just one big traveling violation.

Smartphones now double as early quake sensors

… Can’t wait to hear Siri scream, ‘Holy Toledo! We’re all gonna die!!’

The WHO is urging warring parties to protect civilians and health workers

… While, we have yet to hear from Pink Floyd.

ICE agents denied entry to Dodger Stadium parking lot, team says

In fairness, it’s the first time anyone arrived for a Dodger game before the third inning.

Cannabis lounges are legal in Las Vegas

I’m totally surprised they’d risk losing all that money at the ‘All You Can Eat Buffets!’

Trump thinking of sending Vance to Middle East

So, he’s threatening using drones.

Happy 83rd birthday, Sir Paul McCartney

In Keith Richards years, that makes you 453.

The US military deploys laser weapon to Persian Gulf

… Mostly, to move the light beam back and forth to drive their cats crazy.

Russia can arrest people suspected of being gay

… Which totally explains why there isn’t a member of the Village People dressed like a Cossack.

Parents cause teens to be anxious and depressed by making this one common mistake, experts warn

… Uh, breathing …?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)