Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Special Health and Science Issue: Nutritionists attribute president’s energy to the Trump diet: “All-American F&F.”
US President Donald Trump is a remarkably energetic 79 year old man. He is more rip-roaring than many men half his age. It’s all due to the unique Trump diet, say experts.
According to world renowned nutritionists Dr. Cecily DeMunchbakke of The World Grub Council and Dr. Alfredo Greasse-Buckette of The International Eatemup Foundation, much of Mr. Trump’s energy comes from the fact that he eats only an all American “F&F diet”: Fast and Fried.
Mr. Trump has eaten F&F food for over fifty years and has built up a resistance to the heart and cholesterol danger that befall people who only dabble in the Trump diet, say the experts.
Tons of fast and fried food have given Mr. Trump an over-secretion of an enzyme known as “Neckboneous Lardos,” which has given his arteries a cement-like firmness that is resistant to blockage.
The enzyme was first discovered in ancient times by Schnotzelvakian Emperor and Talisman Phattephrankie, who fed his army a steady diet of fried lizard meat and Diet Hitite Cola. His army was able to engage in sword fighting battles nonstop for over 24 hours at a time.
When apprised of this information, Mr. Trump announced that he was closing the White House gourmet kitchen and putting in White House franchises of McDonald’s, Burger King, KFC and Bojangles.
Breaking Sex News
Prophylactic Czar says that new digital condoms are now available to all. US Prophylactic Czar Dr. Dick Rubbers says that Digital Condoms are 100 percent effective in preventing digital pregnancies and STDs.
Breaking Archeological News
New Archaeological find proves that dinosaurs had Tupperware.
SNN Words to Live By
“The Hully Gully isn’t nothing when you compare it to the Cha Cha Cha.” — Bobby Rydell, Do the Cha Cha Cha, 1960 song.
“Don’t bless me… Pay me.” — Vampire Circus.
The Question
Who was the first movie Superman? (Leave your answer in the comments section below!)
1. Bud Collyer
2. Douglas Fairbanks
3. Christopher Reeve
4. George Reeves
5. Kirk Alyn
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