Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about “world’s largest willy,” doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Man with ‘world’s largest willy’ slips, breaks arm in shower because giant penis got in the way

… Word is, the medics called the operation to rescue him “Free Willy.”

Laura Loomer, in wild court testimony, says Trump staff told her Lindsey Graham is gay

Look for Trump to name her ‘Secretary of Stating the Obvious.’

Report: Bezo’s wants his wife Lauren Sanchez to be next Bond girl

Sure, and he should be cast as the villain, ‘Dr. No Clue.’

Documents with sensitive details about the meeting between President Trump and Russian President Putin were left behind on a public hotel printer

So, there was no room left in the bathroom where Trump usually leaves sensitive documents?

Jordan Peterson’s daughter said her father has a “genetic predisposition that causes the immune system to have an inability to identify and detoxify mold”

To help, I’m guessing she plans to start a ‘GofungusMe.’

Denmark zoo asks people to donate their small pets as food for captive predators

If that doesn’t get Fluffy to come back inside, nothing will.

Onlooker captures stunning video of high-speed collision between massive yachts

Damn, yacht rock will put a captain right to sleep.

Nick Cannon, father of 12 with six different women, says he doesn’t believe in the term ‘co-parenting’

Clearly, he also doesn’t believe a Cannon should shoot blanks.

Happy 82nd Birthday, Mick Jagger

You’ll always look great as long as you keep standing next to Keith Richards.

Florida Officials issue warning about small pink blobs spreading across state

The Orange State motto is now ‘Orange You Glad you Live Somewhere Else?’

Elon Musk uses emoji to hint at whether he thinks Trump will pardon Ghislaine Maxwell

Isn’t that the name of one of his kids?

Charlie Sheen “finally ready to confess” in Netflix’s brutally candid documentary

Holy s***, there’s stuff he’s been holding back?

‘Hackers steal $44.47 million from ATMs worldwide in a matter of hours’

They did pay $15.66 million in fees …

Secretary of Defense Hegseth reposts video on social media featuring pastors saying women shouldn’t be allowed to vote

I’d ask what’s he been drinking, but …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)