What to Throw at the National Guard When They Invade Your City

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Inspired by the guy in DC who threw a Subway salami sandwich at a National Guard soldier and wasn’t sent to El Salvador.

He threatened to do it and now he has — goose stepping into our major cities — citing bogus crime numbers as the reason. But the orange clown can’t fool us. We know what he’s up to so we need to weapon up pronto. But how? Inspired by that guy in DC who threw a Subway salami sandwich at a National Guard soldier and wasn’t sent to El Salvador, here are some regional arms suggestions that won’t land you in Alligator Alcatraz.

National Guard

Los Angeles: Carne Asada Burrito

Any kind. Shaped like an NFL football and designed for aerodynamic performance, the burrito is particularly great for throwing spirals. If you’ve got a cannon arm and good aim, you can do this from two blocks away and stroll home, whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy.

New York: Everything Bagels

Preferably with a schmeer of something cheesy and topped with something fishy. The oilier the better. Getting those stains out of their uniforms will be punishment enough.

Chicago: Chicago-Style Pizza

With its thick, deep dish crust, tons of cheese, and topped with anything your heart desires, this slice rivals an Olympic discus in weight. If you manage to throw this five pound monster, your target will be propelled backwards and fall on their ass injuring not only their butts but also their fragile egos.

Baltimore: Maryland Blue Crabs

Give them crabs, without getting up close and personal. Down a flack jacket, in a combat boot, inside a helmet, on the front seat of a 6-ton Humvee. Wear gloves. Those little suckers pinch. The crabs. Not the guards. I think.

Boston: New England Clam Chowder

The Boston Massacre where patriotic townspeople threw bottles, rocks, snowballs, shoes, mittens, knitting needles—anything they could get their hands on at British soldiers—brings the joy of water balloons to mind. What if they were filled with clam chowder? Aim for their feet. Slipping in a puddle of clam chowder is even more fun to watch than slipping on a banana peel.

Philadelphia: Philly Cheesesteak

Another sandwich. But there are sandwiches and then there are SANDWICHES. With its thinly sliced pieces of beefsteak and melted cheese snuggled in a soft hoagie roll, this sandwich should not be thrown. Walk by a group of guards while peacefully munching on a hot, melty cheesesteak. Its deliciousness will soon have stomachs that have only eaten MREs for weeks, to rumble like an M1 Abrams battle tank. Psychological warfare can be just as satisfying.

San Francisco: Sourdough Bread

That signature round, dome-shaped loaf with a chewy crust and tender inside is a classic. This iconic bread comes in all shapes and sizes. We suggest using the round, puck-like dinner rolls that fit perfectly into your dog’s tennis ball launcher. This can be done alone but it’s more effective with a group of old high school chums shooting from all angles then scattering like pool balls into the night. They won’t know what or who hit them. Score!

Seattle: Pho Tai (Vietnamese soup)

 A steaming bowl of spicy pho is not unlike the old timey vats of boiling oil poured over castle walls under siege. But like a Philly cheesesteak, pho should not be thrown. It should be poured over the head of your target from a balcony above forcing them to take a break from harassing innocent people to shower and change.

Portland: From Asian Fusion to BBQ ribs

The food carts clustered around the city offer a smorgasbord of weapons. Sushi, pho, Korean BBQ, American BBQ, Burgers and more. Sort of like America. Grab a bowl of Phaal Curry—the hottest curry in the world. Just a little spray into a pair of MCEP (Military Combat Eye Protection) glasses will do it. Apparently, these glasses protect the eye from fragmenting munitions, airborne debris, ultraviolet light, and radiation. Just about everything except Phaal Curry. Ghost peppers are a bitch.

 Washington, DC: A half-smoke dog

A flying submarine sandwich started this whole kerfuffle in the first place. But if you still feel the need to throw a submarine sandwich in D.C., you must up your game. A half-smoke (hot dog on steroids) from Ben’s Chili Bowl is the crème de la crème of projectiles. Let it rip.

D.C. is peaceful, just like LA, Chicago, and the other big cities awaiting a fabricated  invasion. Our highly trained National Guard is actually landscaping and picking up garbage by the Washington Monument. Walk by, grinning like a hyena, bite into a half-smoke with chili and point out a beer bottle they missed. Chuckle as you wander down The Mall. Torture? Humiliation is a form of torture but no worries. It’s in the Geneva Convention.

Gail Mackenzie-Smith
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