“World insanity is beyond our writers’ imaginations,” says Onion fake news editor.
CHICAGO — “The Onion” managing editor, Russell Sprouts, announced today that the well-known fake news outlet was shutting down immediately. Six other prominent sites said they would also be closing.
“We can’t keep up any more,” said Sprouts, speaking for the group. “Reality itself has become so insane that it is no longer possible to distinguish between fake news and legitimate headlines.”
Sprouts referred to a recent case — or is it? — when a man who kicked a kitten to death was acquitted on grounds of self-defense.
“Or how about the naked woman,” he continued, “who got stuck in a chimney stalking her boyfriend? They had to take the house down. Real or a joke? How about PETA enrolling Sarah Palin’s dog in a domestic abuse program?”
Sprouts noted that in some instances “faux news” headlines anticipated the “real news” by mere weeks.
He cited a spoof report in the Humor Times about the ability of iWatch wearers to give each other remote-control orgasms and the real-news announcement today of a vibrator that can synch with your iWatch.
“It’s built by a company called OhMiBod,” he said despairingly. “Their slogan is ‘Cuddle up with your phone at night instead of your partner.’ I mean, how in hell do you satirize that?”
Hard-boiled though he is, Sprouts softened and seemed even tender.
Recovering, the “Lonely Little Petunia,” as his colleagues call him (“I’m in an onion patch, and all I do is cry all day”), said that the real worst thing was simply that there just was nothing funny in the news anymore.
“What kind of jokes can you make about Charlie Hebdo?” he said. “What’s funny about Mike Brown and Tamir Rice and a million folks thrown off food stamps? I’m afraid it’s just time for us to let it go, as the kids say.”
But Humor Times editor James Israel said that, nonetheless, they would not be closing their doors, despite what he called Sprout’s “soggy green-faced drippiness.”
Then the beleaguered editor added: “Yeah, satire is a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it. And it costs money. So don’t forget to contribute to our maintenance fund. No joke!”