[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Would-Be Pontiff Ted Cruz Turns Blood to Ice

Ted Cruz candidacy ‘a Miracle,’ say Tea Party activists

Washington, DC — Following reports earlier today that Pope Francis had performed a “miracle” by turning an amulet of dried blood into fluid, would-be secular pontiff Sen. Ted Cruz responded by announcing his own run for the presidency.

Ted Cruz
Sen. Ted Cruz’s announcement miraculously turns blood into ice.

Throughout the nation, the blood in people’s veins turned miraculously into ice. Friends and even strangers stopped in their tracks and exchanged glances filled with apprehension. Everyone felt the political climate cool.

Obamacare subscribers shuddered. The unemployed trembled. NASA drew its budget closer about its shoulders.

“Now tell people to worry about global warming,” Cruz sneered sarcastically after his announcement.

“And if you think that the prospect of my becoming president is blood-chilling now,” he added, “just wait till you see what happens after I get elected.”

Off to the far-right, insane giggles punctuated by gun fire could be heard.

Cruz laughed menacingly again and held up a copy of Green Eggs and Ham. Inside was a blank check signed by the Koch brothers, the oil industry, and Sheldon Adelson.

“Sam I am,” he said. “Or anyone else these heroes of American industry want me to be.”

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Michael Egan
Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it. Check out his website, Editorial and Political Cartoons.