[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Would-Be Pontiff Ted Cruz Turns Blood to Ice

Ted Cruz candidacy ‘a Miracle,’ say Tea Party activists

Washington, DC — Following reports earlier today that Pope Francis had performed a “miracle” by turning an amulet of dried blood into fluid, would-be secular pontiff Sen. Ted Cruz responded by announcing his own run for the presidency.

Ted Cruz
Sen. Ted Cruz’s announcement miraculously turns blood into ice.

Throughout the nation, the blood in people’s veins turned miraculously into ice. Friends and even strangers stopped in their tracks and exchanged glances filled with apprehension. Everyone felt the political climate cool.

Obamacare subscribers shuddered. The unemployed trembled. NASA drew its budget closer about its shoulders.

“Now tell people to worry about global warming,” Cruz sneered sarcastically after his announcement.

“And if you think that the prospect of my becoming president is blood-chilling now,” he added, “just wait till you see what happens after I get elected.”

Off to the far-right, insane giggles punctuated by gun fire could be heard.

Cruz laughed menacingly again and held up a copy of Green Eggs and Ham. Inside was a blank check signed by the Koch brothers, the oil industry, and Sheldon Adelson.

“Sam I am,” he said. “Or anyone else these heroes of American industry want me to be.”

Michael Egan