[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Lindsey Graham’s Tent Big Enough for Jenner, But He’d ‘Have to Sleep Outside’

“I haven’t walked in her shoes. Contrary to reports, I have never worn Manolo high heels.” – Sen. Lindsey Graham

Bastard out of Carolina, the 1996 film made by Showtime Networks, was as controversial as it was influential, and now another bastard out of Carolina is hitting the headlines.

Lindsey Graham, by Donkey HoteyMany would assume that being the first major Republican candidate for president to publicly say he would accept Caitlyn Jenner as a political ally, Sen. Lindsey Graham deserves credit. However, in an interview with CNN host Dana Bash, the traditional social conservative failed to cover himself in glory:

“I haven’t walked in her shoes. Contrary to reports, I have never worn Manolo high heels. I can only imagine the torment that Bruce Jenner went through, the transition from men’s footwear to six inch heels must have been a nightmare. I hope he — no, no — she has found peace. I’m more open minded than you think, Sons of Anarchy happens to be my favourite TV show.”

“I’m a pro-life, in bed by nine kind of guy, but I’m running to be president of the United States. If Caitlyn Jenner wants to be a Republican, she is welcome to call over to my house anytime, just as long as it’s before nine,” he added.

As the interview continued, Graham venomously defended his socially conservative views and suggested that as president he would be unwilling to prioritize other “mundane” issues.

“Please understand what you’re getting with Lindsey Graham: I’m pro-life. I believe in traditional marriage, you know, sex two or three times year,” said the senator. Unsurprisingly, Graham’s inability to offer any revolutionary ideas mirrors other Republicans, many of whom have been even less adventurous.

Less than a week ago, Rush “right-wing” Limbaugh told millions of listeners that LGBT people have “warped minds, and need to ask God for mercy” before going on to lambast the media’s portrayal of social conservatives. “We’re called weirdos, kooks. Tell me this, what’s so weird about being scared of something or someone that doesn’t fit your idea of perfection?” he asked.

Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, the author of God, Grits and Eternal Shits, mocked trans women: “Come on, they are obviously trying to get into the girls’ locker room, and although I commend their determination, it’s just wrong.”

In  May, much to the surprise of America, fellow Republican candidate Rick Santorum seemed to accept Jenner’s identity as a woman, but then backtracked by saying, “Jenner is a sinner.”

It’s not surprising to see Graham polling quite poorly, and his stance on warfare will do little to boost his popularity. “If you don’t want the steroid fuelled equivalent of armed conflict, please go find yourself another candidate. I want to end ISIS, end Putin, end the reign of Kim Jong-un, all before the end of 2017,” stated Graham.

“We are going to need numbers to meet your lofty ambitions, where do you stand on the issue of allowing transgender service members to serve openly in the U.S. military?” asked a reporter. Graham replied, “If they can fire a gun, sign them up. The American army better get ready for a TRANS-ition.”

John Glynn