“Americans don’t need the world’s tired and poor anymore, the country’s full already” says the bilious-faced billionaire of the Statue of Liberty.
NEW YORK – Building on his role as the leading inmate to take over the GOP asylum, Donald Trump said today that the Statue of Liberty was “a relic of another era and should be retired.”
He suggested the Smithsonian for its new location.
“Look, let’s be realistic,” Trump said at a press conference yesterday, speaking at his usual fourth-grade comprehension level. “It’s not like we’re still in the 19th century. We don’t need millions of tired and hungry European workers anymore.
“In fact, right now we got too many, giving us the worst unemployment figures since the end of slavery in 1932. Well, actually I just retweeted that statistic. Maybe it was 1943. I can’t check everything I say for accuracy.”
Trump noted that the “most dishonest” part of the Statue of Liberty was “that terrible, factually inaccurate poem by whatshername Emma Lazarus, you know, send us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses, and so on.
“What it should say is, don’t send us your rapists, murderers, drug dealers and I suppose some nice people too.”
Confirming his recent diagnosis as a paranoid narcissist, the portly property mogul produced a sheet of paper. “So I paid this famous poet beaucoup bucks to come up with something more appropriate. Here’s what she wrote. I think it’s great and we should add it right away:
“Nein to your killers, rapists, refugees,
Your tired, your hungry and your poor!
We only take the ones who’ll work for free,
And toil our fields protected by no law
Enriching legal immigrants like me
From sea to shining sea and shore to shore.”
“I just love its use of French,” Trump said, adding amidst laughter that he thought the Statue itself was “unattractive as hell anyway,” and compared its “sneering features” to Carly Fiorina’s “ugly mug.”
“Who could vote for that?” he demanded. “To think that a face like hers is what the world first sees of us! Actually, I think it looks more like Rubio.”
Trump added that until the statue was permanently removed, its torch of freedom should be immediately extinguished and “the whole embarrassing thing” covered over with a giant tarp.
In response to a question, Trump noted that the world-class poet was an American lady who had left the country. She preferred to remain anonymous and, at her request, he would not reveal how much he had paid her.
Latest posts by Michael Egan (see all)
- The White House is Looking for a ‘Few Good Cartoonists’ - February 11, 2019
- Trump Threatens to Hold Breath ‘Until Mueller Goes Away’ - December 11, 2018
- Trump Says Alaska Earthquake Caused by ‘Poor Snow Management, Unlike Finland’ - December 1, 2018