Basement flooded, elves refusing to work under water, Mrs Claus leaving – normally jolly Santa is pissed.
NORTH POLE – A visibly grumpy Santa Claus announced today that he would “absolutely not” be making gift deliveries to GOP “climate deniers” this year.
“You think because that idiot Inhoffe can make a snowball in winter we’re not drowning up here?” he said. “What, he hasn’t seen the polar bear pictures?”
Santa laughed bitterly. “And I hear he’s chair of your Environment and Public Works committee. These lunatics must be stopped!”
The not-so-jolly old elf pulled an official USGS thermometer from under his beard.
“See that?” he said, waving it. “The difference between freezing and thawing is just one muthaffukin degree. Excuse me, that’s Inuit for ‘a small amount.’ Thirty-two it freezes, thirty-three it melts. These days we’re getting up to a fathafukkin 57 in the summer.”
Santa said that one result was that the basement in his home under the north pole, where the elves labored, was now flooded almost the whole year round.
“The poor little green buggers,” he said feelingly, “now have to work outside in the semi-snow in the winter, and almost tropical temperatures in the summer. Hungry polar bears come sniffing around and last week,” Santa’s eyes moistened, “Rudolf lost his shiny red nose to a marauding sea lion.”
Santa said that things had gotten so bad Mrs Claus was threatening to leave. “She says unless I do something about the water situation, well, she’s had a very tempting offer from Wotan in Valhalla. That’s where we originally came from, you know.”
After a “war council” with the elves and a couple of the leading reindeer, Santa continued, the Xmas community had decided to cut all climate deniers from their gift list.
“Yeah, we know who’s been naughty,” he continued menacingly. “There are advantages to being a godlet, even an imaginary one.”
The once kindly old semi-deity polished his glasses on his sleeve.
“First non-gift,” he growled, “is that not one of those koksukers — Inuit for ignorant, money-grubbing narcissist — is gonna actually get to be president. I guarantee you that, though I wanna see them all run for a bit. What a laugh, especially that Canadian idiot who wants to carpet bomb the middle east. What, Israel too?”
For a moment Santa almost looked like his old roly-poly self. Then he frowned again.
“But my second non-gift will be even better!” he said. “After Trump gets his ass whupped in 2016, I’m gonna give those CDers — Climate Deniers — President Bernie Sanders!
“Plus 100% gun control, free abortions at government-funded Planned Parenthood clinics, industry regulations limiting carbon emissions, a jobs program focused on infrastructure repair, and a foreign policy whose objectives are peace and not war!”
He laughed evilly again. “And Elizabeth Warren as Vice President!”