Calls Constitution ‘liberal rag’ as it burns
COLUMBUS, OH — This morning, Republican presidential candidate and rabble-rousing billionaire Donald Trump burned the original U.S. Constitution while his supporters chanted “U-S-A” during a rowdy campaign rally. It was not initially clear how Trump obtained the actual Constitution, but the hallowed American document burned much faster than Trump had expected, resulting in minor burns to both of his hands while roving bands of Brownshirts for Trump physically assaulted non-white protesters in the crowd.
“You people are amazing, being able to beat up black and brown protesters while chanting ‘USA’ and cheering for me while I burn one of our nation’s most important documents. I’m so impressed by this pretty much all-white crowd, and more convinced than ever that we are totally going to make America great again,” declared Trump, who confessed, “though I did get a little burned.”
Trump pointed to the back of the room before adding, “I want everyone to give a big hand to my Brownshirts for Trump members, who are so passionate and excited about me becoming president that they are still beating up at least a handful, or maybe more, of non-white racist people back there.”
“America needs to know that all of you, and especially me, are prepared to do anything to make America great again. That includes burning liberal documents like the Constitution,” explained Trump, who did not seem quite sure what burned hand required attention most.
“What? You want to hear how I even got my hands on that liberal rag?” asked Trump, who was clearly teasing his supporters. “When I want something, I get it. I keep telling you people money makes things happen, and my money will probably make me president!”
The remainder of Trump’s rally focused on promising to torture all suspected terrorists — regardless American citizenship — and lowering wages for everyone as the price of protecting conservative white Americans from everything they are afraid of.