[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Corporate Media Begins Adding Fangs to Images of Bernie Sanders

Media seeking to be ‘fair and balanced’ by adding vampire fangs to all images of Bernie Sanders.

WASHINGTON — Today, a confidential memo between American corporate media outlets was leaked to the press. The memo ordered all outlets to add vampire fangs to all images of Bernie Sanders in response to his recent big Democratic primary wins, and his refusal to accept the narrative Hillary Clinton was the inevitable Democratic presidential nominee.

Bernie Sanders with fangs“All corporate media outlets must continue to push the narrative Hillary Clinton has already won against the hopeless presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders, who we now believe to be an undead creature of darkness,” stated the unsigned memo.

The memo continued, “Additionally, all media outlets must now add fangs to all images of Bernie Sanders, and advance the theory he may be a vampire. Highlight his pale skin and unusual energy level for a 74-year-old man.”

“All media outlets must also address how Bernie Sanders can walk around during the day if he is a vampire. The implied explanation must be he learned how to survive sun exposure while in Russia,” explained the memo.

“In a week or so, pictures of a coffin alleged to be inside his campaign bus will be discovered by Fox News. Americans must be told the only explanation is Bernie Sanders sleeps in a casket,” declared the memo.

The memo concluded, “The message should be that a socialist vampire from Russia who sleeps in a casket is unfit to be president.”

The following two tabs change content below.
Alexander Vosh
Alexander Vosh has lived in Rhode Island for all of his life, but is often asked where he grew up by other Rhode Islanders due to his lack of the state's R-optional accent - which will make an appearance on occasion, usually when Vosh is annoyed. Vosh is also highly allergic to right-wing politics, and thinks whisky is swell. He writes regularly for The Nil Admirari, where this story first appeared.