[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Mike Pence Comes Out Against Many Other Words Besides ‘Deplorable’

‘Vice President’ is one of many other terms Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, says are offensive.

NYC — Mike Pence, GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump’s running mate, told the news media at a press conference Thursday that besides not wanting to use the word “deplorable” to characterize David Duke, he also no longer wants to be called a “vice presidential” candidate.

mike pence for vpInstead he wants to be known as the “Virtuous Presidential” candidate.

Mr Pence also recommended changing the Constitutional phrase, “the pursuit of happiness” because of its unfortunate use of the word penis.  He suggested “the pursuit of money” as “more accurate anyway.”

The Virtuous Presidential Candidate added that in the same spirit, he wants to redraft the name of the Republican Party itself, since it contains the word pub, “an establishment where women get drunk and indulge in lewd behavior,” lick, which “obviously promotes the homosexual agenda,” and can, a vulgarity for bathrooms, “where transgendered perverts and disgusting Hillary Clinton types congregate to abuse children.”

The Indiana governor, an evangelical Christian who says former VP and war criminal Dick Cheney is his role model, also noted that he opposes the continued use of the party’s elephant logo “because we all know what women think about when they look at that trunk, don’t we, Reagan?”

The acronym G.O.P. also has to go, Mike Pence said, since Gee is a well-known euphemism for “Jumpin’ Jesus,” while O implies “the Big O,” during which, he blushingly added, “some women cry out the name of God. Not my wife, of course! But it’s a blasphemy which even His Holiness Pat Robertson hath condemned.”

“As for Pee,” the Virginia governor added, “need I say more?”

Pence said his own name was a little too close to “pants,” as in “pants on fire,” but went on to recommend “for obvious reasons”  that certainly the name “Bush” be struck forever from party records.

Even the word “party” should be banned because, like pubs, these “dreadful, un-American gatherings” are often “occasions where women and men laugh, dance and have fun.

“What would the original colonists say?” he passionately demanded. “Can anyone give me a scarlet ‘Amen?’”

At one point Mr Pence negatively referenced what he called “the nude deal,” which turned out to be “the New Deal.” This catastrophic program, he explained, had led to “President Gluteus Maximus,” i.e., President Obama, whose name Pence declined to pronounce “because of its vulgar second syllable and of course that nauseating O again.”

Asked by a reporter what more appropriate name he would recommend for his newly defined Republican Party, Pence suggested the Congress of United Non-immigrant Trump Supporters.

“Now that’s a monicker,” he smiled, “which not only describes Our Great Orange Leader perfectly, but also all the alt-right people he has surrounded himself with.

“God help – I mean bless – America!”

Michael Egan