[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Kellyanne Conway: FDR’s ‘Four Freedoms’ Just Evil Socialism

‘After all,’ said Kellyanne Conway, ‘freedom is just another word for doing what The Donald wants.’

NYC – Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s new White House adviser, announced at a press conference today that the incoming Trump Administration was taking a “long, hard, critical look” at the “so-called ‘four freedoms’” of Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s “outdated, socialistic welfare state.”

Kellyanne Conway on FDR“Like the Voting Rights act,” the witchy word wrangler said, “FDR’s New Deal is no longer relevant in Donald Trump’s America.

“Take Roosevelt’s un-American ‘Freedom from Want,’ for example. That’s just damn socialism.

“No, my friend, humans are not entitled to food, clean air or even water – just ask the CEO of Nestlé or our new EPA director! The Donaldian update adopts what we call ‘the prepositional alternative,’ adjusting this one to ‘Freedom to Want,’ the true heartbeat of American capitalism. Get a job, you welfare moochers, or starve! That’s true liberty or death.

“Secondly, Roosevelt’s Freedom of Speech, Norman Rockwell style, is the immigrant speaking up at his first town hall.

“Well, first off, no more freakin immigrants! And second, you are free to sound off all you want, my friends, but under DJT there may  or will  be consequences.

“See? You’re still as free as before, it’s just that if The Donald doesn’t like what you said, and he won’t, the FBI will be in touch. You’ll know when his Twitter tweet identifies you by name and address and says what you’re guilty of.”

Ms Conway adjusted her lank locks.

“Likewise Freedom from Fear becomes Freedom to Fear. That’s what the Second Amendment is all about, as once explained by Mr Justice Scalia of sainted memory. The modern American way is to be fearful and shoot first in self-defense.

“Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday and George C. Scott as General Patton! That’s our patriotic right and it shall never be infringed. It’s called ‘Stand Your Ground!’ or, if you’re a cop behind a black driver, ‘Pull Over!’”

“And then finally,” Ms Conway said, “we come to Freedom of Religion. Notice it’s not freedom from religion, but freedom of religion.

“We call this the Kim Davis Update. Freedom of Religion means the freedom to spread the Holy Word by our actions. These may include refusing the rights of citizenship to gays, blacks and the members of other religions, denying them marriage licenses, contraceptives and medical procedures we disapprove of,  due process at work, equal pay and even equal treatment under the law.

“But no surprises here, this one’s already well-established practice. Now all we have to do is work on the other three!”

Michael Egan