[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New Year Baby 2017 Refuses to Be Born

‘I still have the Right to Choose,’ New Year Baby 2017 screamed. ‘At least for now!’

NYC – New Year Baby 2017 invoked Roe vs. Wade today, refusing to be born over concerns about a future under “His Majesty, King Donald the Great Again.”

New Year baby 2017The New Year-Elect cited reports that clown prince Donald had, in an unpresidented move, reluctantly declined to be King of America, despite his lackey Reince Priebus begging him three times to accept on behalf of an adoring people.

“This Christmas heralds a time to celebrate the good news of a new King,” the wretched Priebus literally congratulated Trump, to the cheers of the mob.

A praetorian guard of skinheads and former Klan members, resplendent in fetching brown shirts, made in Jina, looked on as Mr Trump refused the  crown three times.

“Oooagh, I don’t know what I said!” the King-to-be laughed the first time, spastically flapping his little hands as though cruelly mocking a man with Parkinson’s.

The second time he said: “Well, it would certainly resolve our perfectly legal conflict-of-interest problems.”

The third time he reached for his cell phone. “Okay, lemme check with Vladimir,” he said, “and I’ll get back to you.”

“See?” said 2017. “You don’t have to be 1929 to know you’re going down in history as one of the absolutely worst years ever, along with 65 million BC [the extinction of the dinosaurs – Ed.] O BC/AD [the crucifixion – Ed] and 1946 [year Trump was born – Ed.]

“I mean, how would you like it for people to always think about you when they lament the destruction of the planet, ISIS and King Trump the First?” 2017 continued between sobs.

“Not to mention Princess I Just Lurv My Daddy and the Princes Beavis and Butthead who run their Stalk and Kill Animals business in Africa.”

Baby 2017 burst into tears again.

“Also I heard that at his coronation King Don plans to seize the proffered crown, place it on his own head like Napoleon, and declare himself an Emperor Greater than Alexander the Great, followed by an endless Tea Party.

2017 shrank against the walls of the Cosmic Womb. “Hell no, I won’t go!” the terrified baby screamed.

“Let 2018 deal with it!”

Michael Egan