[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Kellyanne Conway: ‘Alternative Words’ in Bill of Rights Allow Trump ‘Lots of Latitude’

“Restricting extraneous Freedoms of Press, Religion and Speech, and establishing Christianity as the State Religion are also ‘Alt-Word’ permitted,” said Kellyanne Conway, “as is, of course, the quartering of soldiers in your home.”

NYC – Motormouth propagandist Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s ministress of misinformation, said today that “alternative words” in the Bill of Rights “clearly permit Congress to impose legal restrictions on an unpatriotic and out-of-control lugenpresse.”

Kellyanne ConwayAsked to cite the actual language allowing Congress to restrict press and religious liberty, Ms Conway laughed merrily.

“Freedom is in the eye of the beholder,” she said, adding that “citing actual words is what liberals do.”

The First Amendment’s “Alt-Word” meanings, she noted, “are as clear as the photographs of Mr Trump’s million-person inauguration.

“Just take a look, and you’ll see for yourself.”

The misinformation ministress went on: “The trick is to view the First Amendment in a shady light. If you squint your eyes and hold it at the right angle, and I do mean the Right angle, you’ll see that its Alt-Words reveal numerous restrictions.

“It’s like that blue dress/gold dress thing. You see it one way but Mr Trump sees it another — gold, of course.”

Kellyanne listed some of the First Amendments’ alt-word limits. “For example, you can’t shout ‘Donald Trump is lying, racist, fascist bastard!’ in a crowded election,” she said. “Even if it’s true.”

Finally, Ms Conway noted that the inability of some Americans to view the Bill of Rights in the proper light was a “tragic disability” comparable to color blindness or macular degeneration.

The White House would shortly be issuing government “Alt-Read” spectacles to help disadvantaged citizens who stubbornly continue to see things in the old way.

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Michael Egan
Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dual career of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhem wherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it. Check out his website, Editorial and Political Cartoons.