[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Kellyanne Conway: ‘Alternative Words’ in Bill of Rights Allow Trump ‘Lots of Latitude’

“Restricting extraneous Freedoms of Press, Religion and Speech, and establishing Christianity as the State Religion are also ‘Alt-Word’ permitted,” said Kellyanne Conway, “as is, of course, the quartering of soldiers in your home.”

NYC – Motormouth propagandist Kellyanne Conway, Trump’s ministress of misinformation, said today that “alternative words” in the Bill of Rights “clearly permit Congress to impose legal restrictions on an unpatriotic and out-of-control lugenpresse.”

Kellyanne ConwayAsked to cite the actual language allowing Congress to restrict press and religious liberty, Ms Conway laughed merrily.

“Freedom is in the eye of the beholder,” she said, adding that “citing actual words is what liberals do.”

The First Amendment’s “Alt-Word” meanings, she noted, “are as clear as the photographs of Mr Trump’s million-person inauguration.

“Just take a look, and you’ll see for yourself.”

The misinformation ministress went on: “The trick is to view the First Amendment in a shady light. If you squint your eyes and hold it at the right angle, and I do mean the Right angle, you’ll see that its Alt-Words reveal numerous restrictions.

“It’s like that blue dress/gold dress thing. You see it one way but Mr Trump sees it another — gold, of course.”

Kellyanne listed some of the First Amendments’ alt-word limits. “For example, you can’t shout ‘Donald Trump is lying, racist, fascist bastard!’ in a crowded election,” she said. “Even if it’s true.”

Finally, Ms Conway noted that the inability of some Americans to view the Bill of Rights in the proper light was a “tragic disability” comparable to color blindness or macular degeneration.

The White House would shortly be issuing government “Alt-Read” spectacles to help disadvantaged citizens who stubbornly continue to see things in the old way.