[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Exclusive: Trump Avoids Blessings During Vatican Visit

Trump demanded unusual security while at the Vatican to avoid contact with holy water and crucifixes.

In an ironic twist, it appears Donald Trump, the champion of the Christian Right, was visibly more uncomfortable during the Vatican visit than in Muslim or Jewish environments. Before agreeing to meet with the Pope, he had to be assured that the Pope had sworn on an ancient Bible that he would not sprinkle Trump with holy water. Just in case the Pope reneged on his promise, Trump wore a fire proof suit made specifically for the occasion.

Trump, Pope, VaticanHe asked that they meet in an area that had the fewest crosses or crucifixes. After noticing the one cross that remained in the room, his eyes rolled back in his head, which Melania had to hold firmly to keep from spinning around. In a low register voice that not even James Earl Jones could muster, he demanded that the cross be removed, after which he regained his “normal” appearance.

He told the pope that they were on the same page as far as abortion was concerned, with his defunding of programs throughout the world that support clinics that perform abortions. When the Pope asked him about the women who needed the clinics for medical purposes, he mumbled something about not being responsible for collateral damage.

In what he later described as a friendly attempt to compliment the pope, Trump waxed on about Pope Francis’ papal ring, saying that even though he prefers not to wear a wedding ring, he wouldn’t mind wearing “a beauty like that.” Later, he said that “his people would talk to the Pope’s people” to get the name of his jeweler.

When the Pope raised his hand to bless President Trump at the end of their meeting, Jared and Ivanka quickly jumped in front of him in case it was an attempt to drive out demons.

“Whew, that was a close one,” Trump remarked as they left. “He could have turned me into a Democrat.”

Diane de Anda