“I’ll hold my breath until Mueller goes away — I will, even if I turn blue and die myself dead!” the President screamed. “And then you’ll all be sorry!”
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — President Trump is threatening to hold his breath until he turns blue unless the Mueller investigation ends immediately. Mr Trump added that if he dies himself dead as a result, it will be America’s own fault and we’ll all be really sorry.
“I’ll do it, I will!” the President is said to have told his closest advisors at a secret Oval Office meeting last night. “I’ll go on TV, I will, and I just won’t breathe! And if I get blue in the face and die dead, it will all be your own faults and America’s and then you’ll all be sorry. Sad!”
The President was responding to new reports that the Mueller investigation is about to indict him, his family and his entire business organization. Trump is said to have screamed unintelligibly for several minutes after being briefed on this by out-going Chief of Staff, General John (“Empty Barrel”) Kelly.
“No! No! No!,” the President “tantrumped,” as his advisors call it, after learning that Mueller has subpoenaed all his tax returns, transcripts of phone calls with Putin, and several “compromising videos” whose contents could not be disclosed.
Flushed a bright tangerine and almost in tears, Trump threatened to go on Sean Hannity’s show and hold his breath until the Special Counsel’s investigation was shut down and all its accumulated evidence destroyed in a gigantic bonfire on the White House lawn.
“I’ll sit there with Sean, I will, even if I turn myself bright blue and maybe die!” he warned. “America and the world better do what I say or I’ll die myself dead, right there in front of you all, and it will be your own faults!”
After a moment he added: “And President George H.W. Bush is absolutely not allowed to speak at my funeral.”
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