The Devil Went Down to Kentucky

Exclusive: Republican memorandum by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell defending his devil worshiping.

MEMORANDUM

TO:        The Senate Republican Conference
FROM:  The Honorable Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader
RE:        The Devil a.k.a. Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer et al.

Recently some Democrats have been accusing us of supporting the Devil. They claim that his actions are so egregious that we should be speaking up and condemning him. They say that we are enabling him in his hellish actions.

devil worshiping Mitch McConnell by DonkeyHotey
Mitch McConnell, accused by Dems of devil worshiping. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

Nothing, however, could be farther from the truth. As Mephistopheles himself might say: “This is all fake news.”

We are devoted Christians and hence by definition cannot be accused of devil worshiping. That is not to say that we will automatically criticize Lucifer just because he is the embodiment of evil.

Unlike the Democrats, we don’t jump to simple unsupported conclusions. We don’t condemn someone just because of who they are or what they may have done in the past. We eschew ad hominem attacks and instead prefer to assess individual actions and judge accordingly.

First of all, I’d like to point out that doing nothing is not necessarily a sign of support. Just because Satan causes a plague of locusts and we remain silent does not mean we are necessarily pro-locust or that we excuse their creator.

One has to look at the big picture. Maybe the plague of locusts bumps up the price of wheat and helps out our farmers. Or maybe it primarily strikes China thereby bringing them to the bargaining table.

Isn’t it just like the Democrats to see only one side of any issue and to ignore the good the Devil has done? They would sooner chastise him as an evil unchristian narcissist than to acknowledge the beneficial results of his work.

Sure, the Devil is a tempter, someone who engages in all manner of unethical and immoral behavior. Rather than condemn such actions, however, we should accept them as examples and lessons to guide us. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone or the first primary ballot.

It’s easy to point the finger at Satan for all manner of natural disasters, be they hurricanes, earthquakes or massive conflagrations. But aren’t those just opportunities to rebuild and stimulate the economy? Democrats are always talking a good tale of infrastructure repair but fail to give credit to he who makes it happen.

Those on the other side of the aisle also make a big deal about Satan lying. They say how can you trust someone who has so little familiarity with the truth?

But what is the truth? What was false yesterday may easily be true today. So it is not for us Republicans to rush in and call Beelzebub a liar when we don’t have all the facts and know not what the future will bring.

If the Democrats wish to rely on fake news and condemn someone without a trial, I suppose that is their right. But we Republicans still prefer to say that a man or even a demon, for that matter, is innocent until proven guilty.

Certain leftist, socialist or communist dupes like to call out the Devil for his supposed bullying and name-calling. What hypocrisy! Isn’t this simply the pot calling the kettle fat, stupid or a loser? Has it ever occurred to liberal Democrats that the devil may be right in his assessments?

Is not Marco Rubio little, Jeb Bush low energy and Hillary crooked? And who has endured more name-calling than Satan himself? Before denouncing him, consider how it must feel to be called the King of Hell or the Antichrist. Just see how you would like it if you were labeled the Evil Spirit or the Prince of Darkness.

So be careful who you call a racist misogynistic xenophobe. Remember; even a broken clock is right twice a day. And even the Hellbound embodiment of evil can be useful to some, especially when it comes to getting reelected.

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David Martin
David is a writer of political satire and short humor and his work has appeared in most major North American newspapers, including the New York Times, the Washington Post and the Chicago Tribune. He has also been published in various magazines including Newsweek, Smithsonian Magazine and Funny Times.
David Martin

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