[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

States Announce Plans for Most Attention-Grabbing Primaries

Every state is now jostling to not only be first, but most attention-grabbing with these new primary plans.

attention-grabbing primaries
Iowa Caucus. Photo by Phil Roeder, flickr.com.

2020 is here and that means the start of the year-long race for the White House. It used to be that New Hampshire was first out of the gate with its February primary. More recently, Iowa has stolen first spot with its February 3rd caucuses. Now other states are getting jealous of all the attention lavished on these two otherwise minor jurisdictions. And a few of them are even doing something about it, with new attention-grabbing plans.

Check out these recent developments affecting the Democratic Presidential candidate selection process:

Delaware

Looking to turn the Iowa caucuses into back page news, Delaware announces its new house party voting system for February 1st. Patterned after the famous Tupperware marketing scheme, hundreds of housewives throughout the state will invite their neighbors over for an evening of snacks, games and lingerie modelling. Each Presidential candidate is assigned a particular racy undergarment and the final sales totals determine who wins Delaware’s precious 28 convention delegates.

Rhode Island

The last of the original thirteen colonies to join the Union, Rhode Island seeks to now be the first in choosing the Democratic Presidential candidate with a January 31st voting date. Eschewing the traditional primary process, the Ocean State opts to join forces with the Girl Scouts and their annual door-to-door cookie sale. Potential purchasers will be asked to choose a box of cookies bearing a likeness of their preferred candidate. Customers are encouraged to buy more than one box and can even “split” their votes, if they wish.

Wyoming

Wyoming, the so-called Forgotten State, hopes to raise its profile with its attempt to be number one in the Presidential nomination sweepstakes.  For the one-week period leading up to January 30th, the Democratic candidates and their supporters will roam the state and apply their individual brands to any of the millions of cattle grazing from Casper to Cheyenne. The “polls” close at 12 noon and Wyoming’s ranchers spend the rest of the day tallying the results.

Maine

Still suffering from last year’s economic recession, Maine hopes both to be the first primary state and to kick start its ailing forestry industry. Supporters will have three days to cut, trim and mark timber with the name of their preferred candidate. Only those logs that make it to a designated “polling booth/saw mill” by January 29th will qualify for the final count.

Nevada

Long known for its sins and vices, Nevada wants to be seen as a responsible partner in the democratic process. January 28th will see every casino in the state providing Nevada Democrats with their choice of poker chip, slot machine and roulette wheel identified by individual Presidential hopeful. Not only do the candidates get votes based on the day’s gambling action, they will also receive one per cent of the house proceeds to help finance their upcoming tree cutting and cattle branding efforts.

David Martin

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