Vote Smurf No Matter Smurf

If we get another four years of Gargamel, we’re all smurfed: Vote Smurf!

I’ll start by smurfing the obvious: Gargamel is a danger to not only Smurf Village, but to our civilization as a whole and to the world we cherish.

Vote SmurfWhen I head into the voting booth this November, I will be voting Team Smurf straight down the ballot. However, I’m reminded that four years ago, when a similar choice was offered, 12 percent of Smurfs who voted for Brainy Smurf in the Smurf-ocratic primary ended up voting for Gargamel in the general election.

They said that Gargamel would “smurf up the system.” Well, they were right… the system is completely smurfed.

And still, even after all the pain and destruction that Gargamel has smurfed on Smurf Village, today I read that only a small majority of Brainy Smurf voters say they will definitely support the presumptive nominee, Papa Smurf, in the 2020 election.

I even saw #NeverPapa trending on Smurfer. Honestly, what the smurf is wrong with you smurfs?!

Look, I get that Smurfette wasn’t your top choice in 2016 — even though she was clearly the better Smurf and a lot of you were just angry she had different smurf parts than you — but, we are talking about smurfing Gargamel here!

Do you really want to smurf through another four years of huge handouts to Smurf Street and big Smurf-orations? How about another four years of stacking the Smurf Court with dangerously unqualified Smurf-servatives? And, smurfing Smurf Force?! I mean, come on!

This is a president who put his cat in charge of Health and Smurf services, for smurf’s sake. Seriously, that’s like putting a cat in charge of Health and Smurf services! There is no better analogy I can give you. The guy is pure evil.

You were given the choice between the only female Smurf to gain a major party’s nomination — actually the only female Smurf to ever exist — and you cast your vote for a deranged wizard who couldn’t keep a Smurf casino open. You know that old saying, “The Smurf always wins”? Gargamel’s casino is the only time that saying hasn’t been true. Smurf about that for a second: He couldn’t make money from a Smurf casino?!

How smurfing smurf do you have to be to run a casino into the smurf?

We could have spent the last four years pushing Smurfette towards more progressive ideas instead of having to spend the next four years releasing Smurfs from cages and paying down the debt from smurfing out all our jewels and gold coins to evil sorcerers.

Now, I know that Papa Smurf isn’t the most exciting choice. But, he is the right choice. He’s smurfed tirelessly throughout his career to make sure that every Smurf had a smurfing chance. He fought the Big Smurfs and will fight to empower Smurfs and Smurfs alike.

Sure, his vision for climate smurf may not be as bold as Brainy Smurf’s, but at least his signature platform isn’t rounding up every Smurf in Smurf Village so he can boil them in a giant cauldron because he thinks Smurf blood can turn metal into gold. Yes, our president really thinks that.

So, fellow Smurfs, I implore you. If you don’t fucking put your bullshit smurfs aside and smurf your fucking vote for Papa Smurf, I swear to smurf I’m going to smurf your god-damned fucking smurfs until your smurfing smurf smurfs its own smurf and that smurf has to fucking smurf its smurfing smurf to the smurf smurf for a smurf that smurfs smurfing smurfs, you smurfing assholes.

I’m not fucking smurfing around here, understand?

And, when you look down the rest of your ballot, you better smurf every box next to Smurf- ocrat because every Smurf who enabled that smurfing lanky, knob-nosed mother-smurfer

needs to be taught a fucking smurf and never show their smurfs in this fucking village ever again.

I fucking swear to smurf, don’t smurf with me on this one.


Kristopher Wood