[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Exclusive: Trump to Nominate Security Blanket as DHS Secretary

In a stunning reversal, President Trump is set to nominate his favorite security blanket as Homeland Security chief.

President Trump is expected to nominate his security blanket as the Secretary of Homeland Security, according to multiple sources familiar with the matter. Trump had previously nominated Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf but in a surprise move rescinded his nomination. Wolf had been facing scrutiny over heading the department while still in an acting role. When pressed about the report, Trump remarked that “Chad has done a great — absolutely fantastic — job, but we need someone the country can rely on and wipe its nose in after a good cry.”

trump security blanket

Trump’s blanket — which he calls “Mr. Snuggles” — has had a long career at the president’s side. It was reported that after winning the election, Trump was found hiding under the blanket and wouldn’t come out until Vice President Pence brought in a Happy Meal. More recently, the blanket accompanied the president as he was moved to the White House bunker during racial justice protests in Washington, D.C. (That instance, too, ended with a Happy Meal.)

Most Republicans have applauded the move and even several Democrats have expressed their confidence in Trump’s pick. Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee Bennie Thompson told reporters after hearing the news, “We of course have to let the confirmation process take its course, but I’m pleased that we may finally have someone — something rather — with relevant experience heading the department.”

Other Democrats, however, have questioned the blanket’s background. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer told CNN that, “How can we determine if the blanket is fit for the office if we don’t even know its thread count? The last thing the American people want at DHS is itchy skin or worse: a rash.”

Senator Mitt Romney, who has grappled with the president in the past, agreed with Schumer’s assessment: “We need to know more about the blanket. My biggest concern is how often it’s washed. There are rumors circulating that it is never washed, which if true is an obvious concern.”

Currently, the confirmation hearings are scheduled to open early next week, with opening statements slated for “after naptime”, according to a congressional press release. Juice boxes will be provided.

Evan Helmlinger