The show must go on, and so a nationwide hunt is underway for Trump’s debate replacement!
Donald Trump has refused to participate in the upcoming second debate after the Commission on Presidential Debates announced that it would be conducted virtually. The commission is scrambling to find someone to substitute for Trump and has apparently already received the following replies:
Of course I would be willing to step in for the President. After all, I’ve just spent the last four years with my head so far up his butt that I can now clearly see through his open mouth. Whatever he wants me to say, I’ll say it. Whatever he wants me to do, I’ll do it. God has ordained that I should serve President Trump and nothing would give me more pleasure than to perform in his place. All I ask is that I don’t have to debate any more women.
Mike Pence’s fly
Needless to say, I was surprised to learn that I was under consideration to sub for President Trump in Thursday’s debate. I’ve been told that I received a lot of buzz after my two-minute performance at the vice presidential debate. I’m, of course, thrilled to hear that and honored just to be considered as a stand-in or fly-in for Mr. Trump. But, let’s face it, a large part of my success was due to the contrast between me and Mike Pence’s snow-white hair. Without that stark background, I suspect I would get lost in the mix and therefore I must decline.
Donald Trump’s wife
I am always willing to take on any task that could help my dear husband remain in his separate quarters in the White House. Although my debate skills are a bit rusty, I do know how to deal with cantankerous old men in their 70s and thus I suspect that I will have little trouble keeping Joe Biden in his place. Plus, I know how to be civilized and polite so that should give me a leg up right away. In short, I will Be Best.
Donald Trump’s daughter
I can understand why you’ve come to me rather than Melania. After all, the woman can barely speak English and her grammar is atrocious. Be Best? What the heck is that? The First Daughter is ready and able to stand in for Daddy and trounce Joe Biden with my silky smooth voice and first rate debating skills. After I’m through with that joker, I’m sure that Daddy will become King and I will finally be the princess that I’ve always wanted to be.
Donald Trump’s hair
Well, it’s about time I got the recognition I deserve. If it weren’t for me, clearly the President would not be where he is today. As unhinged as the man is, imagine what he’d be like if I didn’t spend countless hours maintaining my impeccable appearance. I have demonstrated consistency and equanimity as First Hair and therefore would be more than a match for that senile ex-Veep. For someone who spends hours a day combing and weaving, ninety minutes debating Joe Biden will be a breeze.
White House custodian Lawrence Lipscomb
This is definitely a first for me although I can’t say that I was completely surprised given that everyone from Kayleigh McEnany to Stephen Miller to Chris Christie is unavailable due to either full-blown COVID-19 or a two-week isolation. I welcome the opportunity to display my debate skills honed during my grade ten civics class. So long as I remain one of the few White House employees to test negative, I think I could really “clean up.” After all, given the President’s performance last week, I couldn’t do any worse.