As a progressive employer, The United States of America likes to use that modern human resources tool: the exit interview.
Thank you, sir, for agreeing to meet with me for this exit interview.
No problem. Sorry about the initial rude greeting and the weapons frisk. You can’t be too careful these days.
Just a standard precaution in case the enemy tries to get in.
OK, let’s get started. First question: Why did you begin looking for another job and what led you to accept the new position?
What the hell are you talking about? I’m not looking for a new job. I’m just trying to hang on to the job I’ve got.
Did you feel that you were well equipped to do your job?
I’m supremely equipped to do my job fantastically well. As I’ve frequently noted, nobody’s ever done a better job than I’m doing as president. In fact, I am the chosen one.
How would you describe the culture of your employer?
The culture is great; it’s fantastic. I said I would make America great again and, as you can see, it is and it’s going to be even greater so long as I’m here.
What could have been done to keep you employed here?
What kind of ridiculous question is that? I am employed here by the American people as everyone can see from the real election results. As I predicted, the election was a complete fraud, a total disaster. I was clearly the preferred choice of the electorate and that’s why I’m staying on.
Did you share your concerns with anyone?
Who didn’t I share my concerns with? I was screaming electoral fraud and unfairness from the rooftops for the last two years. If you didn’t hear me, you weren’t listening. Just ask Rudy Giuliani or Bill Barr.
If you could change anything about the job, what would it be?
Where to begin? There are so many petty annoyances that get in the way of me doing great things for America. Annoyances like the Constitution, the legal system and the Democrats. But not to worry; in the next four years, I’m planning to do away with all of those impediments.
Were you satisfied with the way you were managed?
I didn’t come here to be managed; I came here to rule and that’s exactly what I did. I know a few clowns like Rex Tillerson, John Kelly and Jim Mattis kept trying to control me but they were all naysayers and I need positive people around me.
Did you have clear goals and objectives?
Again with the past tense. I DO have clear goals as I already mentioned as in Make America Great Again and Fill the Trump Hotels. What more do you need?
Did you receive constructive feedback?
I get a lot of feedback but, honestly, I can’t say any of it is constructive. Jokers like Jeff Sessions, John Bolton and Steve Bannon couldn’t stop giving me feedback but you can see where they ended up. They’re all losers.
What would you like to see in the way of improved training and development programs?
Frankly, I’d love to see programs to train some of these idiots on how to be proper Cabinet members and how to show deference and respect to their great leader. It’s not that hard; just ask ass kissers like Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo.
Would you consider coming back to work here in the future?
What kind of question is that? I’m here and I’ll be staying here for a long, long time. Your questions are making me suspicious. Are you with the failing New York Times or maybe Jeff Bezos’s fake newspaper the Washington Post?
Pardon me, sir. Thank you for this exit interview. I’ve got to go. I can hear gunfire in the hallway and Black Hawks are landing on the South Lawn. Good luck.