[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
‘If he thinks he’s really rich, I am really richer!” – David Koch crediting Donald Trump with inspiration.
TOPEKA, KS – Billionaire David H. Koch, younger of the two Koch brothers, announced today that he was exploring the possibility of a run for the Republican presidential nomination.
“Frankly, I was inspired by Donald Trump’s magnificently produced declaration,” said David Koch (75) at a press conference yesterday, as he made his surprise announcement.
“Descending the escalator like that, with his daughter in white, like a virgin at a Mayan sacrifice. It was beautiful.
“And then I just suddenly had this vision of myself descending from heaven itself like a veritable god, Mammon incarnate, amid a shower of real dollar bills while thousands of hungry, grasping hands desperately, eagerly, yearningly reached out, caressing me, begging for more. Mmmm, coming.”
After a moment he opened his eyes again. “I was completely won over by Mr Trump’s unanswerable case,” he continued, “when he said that as the wealthiest candidate, he deserves not only the nomination, but the presidency itself.
“And of course, he’s quite right, but unfortunately, I’ve got some bad news for ‘The Donald.’ From where I sit, his nine billion dollars is relatively small change.
“If he thinks he’s really rich, then I’m laughing! Because ‘The David’ is really, really richer! Personally I’m worth over forty billion, and if I throw in my brother Charles as my running mate, and he does pretty much what I tell him, we’ll have enough to buy the entire United States and all its overseas territories too!”
Mr Koch noted that he already controls so much money he has no need for a PAC “and all that legal arglebargle about who can spend how much on what. Besides, we’ve already raised nearly $900 million for the election. Why the hell should I give it away to another candidate when I can do the job as well myself?”
He stuck his left thumb in his ear and began talking to his little finger.
“I just called Sheldon in Las Vegas,” he said, “and he completely agrees with me. He says he’ll be glad to serve as Secretary of State, and I’d honored to have him do so. His policy is to defend Israel and bomb Iran, and who in the GOP will argue about that?”
“After all,” Mr Koch continued, “how difficult could it be to sit in the Oval Office and sign into law proposals from a Congress I already own? When Trump says the American dream is dead he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about!”
David Koch noted that in addition to being much richer than Mr Trump, he was also much taller, a widely recognized qualification for being president. He also had all his own hair and had previously run as a Libertarian in 1980, “so I know exactly what it takes. Trump’s an amateur by comparison.”
Mr Koch said that in the years since his 1980 run, the Republican Party had “caught up” with his ideas.
“They’re all pretty orthodox these days,” he pointed out. “They include abolishing Social Security, the Federal Reserve Board, welfare, minimum-wage laws, corporate taxes, and all price supports and subsidies for agriculture and business.
“I also want to do away with any Federal agencies regulating business, including the Security and Exchange Commission, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of Education, the Federal Trade Commission, the FBI, the CIA and of course OSHA.
“If you don’t believe me,” David Koch said, with his charming, expensively dentured smile, “look it up online. It’s all there.”
As he stood up at the conference’s close, Mr Koch added: “And of course democracy,” he said. “We’re going to abolish democracy too. Since all future elections will be a formality, we’ll just go straight to the end result, President Me.
“Koch Brother will be watching you!”
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