[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Shocking! Revelations on Why Trump Stole Top Secret Documents

Anonymous insider reveals the real reason Trump stole classified top secret documents.

Ever since the August 8th FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, there has been much speculation as to why Donald Trump stole classified top secret documents. Some have supposed that he was planning to sell them to the highest-bidder or to use them for blackmail, while others have guessed that he kept them as “trophies” of his crime in office.

top secret documents

Now, in a bombshell revelation, an anonymous Trump insider known only as “Shallow Throat” is claiming that the ex-presidential loser intended using the top-secret documents as his own personal toilet paper.

“It all goes back to a traumatic incident Trump suffered in his youth,” Shallow Throat explained, “when he challenged a roll of toilet paper to an IQ contest and lost. Of course, he later claimed that he had really won because the roll sheeted, but no one believed him. It left the young Trump shaken.”

It was then that Trump began exploring other means to clean up after his (even then) massive dumps. According to Shallow Throat he started with local newspapers such as the Village Voice, the New York Free Press and the Herald Tribune.

“Trump’s always had a love/hate relationship with the media, and using the press for his personal ass-wiping made him feel superior. He’s basically used them all, from the New York Times to the National Enquirer. Without them, Trump would have been nothing more than just another shitty little asshole.”

When Trump became president his butt-cleaning ambitions grew exponentially.

“What he really wanted to do was to get his hands on the US Constitution,” Shallow Throat continued, “but when the National Archives denied that request, he ended up settling for top-secret documents. That’s the reason he always had to keep them handy. I mean, in his condition, and with his diet… well, let’s just say he had to be ready to answer the call at any time of the day or night.”

Trump became “addicted” to the luxurious crispness of those classified papers, but when he lost the 2020 election, he saw it all coming to an end. No longer would he be able to use official government materials to clean up after his own personal dirty work. He became desperate.

“That’s why he stole those top-secret documents,” Shallow Throat concluded, “not for declassification, but for de-assification. And that’s the real inside poop!”

In response the Justice Department issued it’s own statement: “Shit happens. Especially around assholes.”

Ralph Lombard