Trump hires new legal counsel, seeks restraining order against US Constitution.
Vowing to sue America for “everything it’s got,” president-reject Donald Trump has hired Fanny Giuliani (identical twin-sister to legal mastermind Rudy, although the two have never been seen together in the same room) in a desperate last-ditch effort to overturn the results of the 2020 election.
“The first thing we intend to do is issue a restraining order against the United States Constitution,” Miss Giuliani explained, “For years the Constitution has been stalking and harassing President Trump in a relentless campaign designed to intimidate him and to cramp his style. The president himself has often noticed the Constitution giving him funny looks and acting all uppity, as if it’s better than him. Furthermore, I can produce hundreds of witnesses who, on numerous occasions, have observed the Constitution acting in a very suspicious and non-constitutional manner. What if the Constitution really isn’t the Constitution after all? What if it’s an imposter?!”
“Once we have our protective order in place we will be able to pursue our legal strategy. We’re planning on suing the United States of America for punitive damages, naming the Constitution as a co-defendant, and we believe we have a very strong case. Throughout the 2020 election the American people colluded directly with the Constitution to conspire against President Trump in what has now been shown to be nothing more than a blatantly un-American display of wrong-minded, out-of-control mob rule. Not only that, but so many mean, awful, hurtful things were said about the president that it caused grave personal injury to his innermost feelings. And worst and most unforgivable of all, it made him look bad!”
As an emergency back-up plan, the White House has ordered 81 million pink slips.