Anti-DEI Trump Team scouring Bible for all WOKE references, scrubbing it clean for The Lord.
President Trump has issued an executive order requiring an anti-DEI revision of the Bible to comply with his executive order regarding the removal of all DEI messages and any other implied WOKE philosophy.
The very first parable that must be removed or revised is that of The Good Samaritan. It is very clear from the story that the injured man was an illegal alien and that the Samaritan paid for his illegal sanctuary. In the revised story, the wounded man is sent back to his country and the Samaritan is arrested for aiding and abetting him.
The second story in need of revision is Christ stopping the crowd from stoning a woman accused of adultery. Trump insisted that he had them pity her simply because she was a woman. In the new version, no DEI considerations will be allowed and the crowd will stone her to death. Someone, who was quickly fired, suggested that instead the crowd could stone both the woman and her male lover to death. Trump became visibly agitated and shouted out, “No, let them both off. It probably was fake gossip anyway!”
In the parable of the talents, the coins will be renamed bit coins and show an image of Trump’s own gold coins.
Because Trump is known for never reading any document that is more than 3 pages in length, a team has been assigned to go through the entire Bible to identify and remove or revise any DEI content. Trump issued the order after someone told him that there was an whole book in the Bible dedicated to a woman, The Book of Ruth.
The story of Noah’s Ark will also need to be revised in some manner, as the nondiscretionary including of all species of animals is a clear example of both the “diversity” and the “inclusion” fostered by DEI.
The references to Sodom and Gomorrah will be maintained with the addition that both were predominantly transgender cities.
The revised Trump Bible will be available for purchase for a mere $500 and will include a gold cover and pages with gilded edges. Each bible will have the presidential seal on the first page with this note of authenticity: Approved by God and Donald J. Trump. The Trump Bible will be required to replace all bibles for swearing in purposes in all courthouses across the U.S. and, of course, replace all motel bibles. For an extra $100, the inside cover will be illustrated with a revised version of Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel painting with Trump’s face replacing that on the muscular figure of Adam nearly touching God’s hand.
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