[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

God Resigns, Effective Midnight: Calls Humanity ‘The Edsel of Creation’

Creator eschews humanity, off to find a ‘New Heaven, New Earth,’ as prophesied

JERUSALEM — God resigned today, citing the appalling murders, rapes and tortures carried out everywhere in His Holy Name. “I just can’t take it anymore,” the Deity said, speaking from a conveniently burning bush near the Golden Dome in Jerusalem.

Humanity God Vacancy“No matter what I do,” He went on, “even permitting wars and holocausts and mass suicides, and the ritual slaughter of millions of humans and animals every day, not to mention natural disasters, nothing seems to slake humanity’s thirst for blood.”

“I have reluctantly permitted massacres and horrific deaths on an unimaginable scale, and yet people still want more. There’s one group — the Catholics, is it? — who literally drink my blood and eat my flesh, and even that’s not enough. Please don’t get me started on the real blood drinkers, because these days even je suis here has to be politically careful.”

God sighed. “I can’t even frighten you people anymore by allowing Satan to torment your worthless souls for all eternity. You’d still rather shoot a man just to see him die.”

“Anyway, what brought it to a head for me,” He said, “is the sheer blood-crazed insanity going on right now. Enough’s enough. If I hear ‘Allahu Akbar’ one more time as a throat is slit or a skull split open, I’ll throw up.”

He suddenly threw up, divine Vomit everywhere.

“You know, there comes a point,” God finally went on, “when You just have to say ‘I blew it, baby,’ and move along. I was a young Deity four billion years ago when I started Earth, and now it’s time to use My experience. You guys are the Edsels of creation.”

God said He would gladly leave behind all the sacred texts, relics and hallowed objects He had accumulated throughout History. “Those holy grails and magical stones and bones?” He laughed. “You can keep ’em. They’re of no value to Me anymore. They were just runes and symbols to get people’s attention and understanding, and obviously they failed. May they comfort you in your final days.”

God noted that soon after his departure, the earth would self-destruct. “Even you guys sense that your species is destroying itself,” He said. “Ironically, you’re smart enough to see it but not smart enough to stop it.”

“Anyway,” God wound up, “I don’t want to be around when this pretty planet goes kaput. I’ve put a lot into it, but thank Me there are several even better ones out there.”

The light from His burning bush slowly faded. “Yep, I aim to find Me a new heaven and a new earth, Rev. 21.1,” God reminded humanity. “And this time, my former friends, I’m gonna do it right.”

Michael Egan