[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Billionaire Sheldon Adelson Buys The Onion

The big-bucks GOP donor and casino mogul cited Sunday’s Boston Globe anti-Trump front page as the main motivator to purchase The Onion.

LAS VEGAS – Casino billionaire Sheldon Adelson announced today that he had “aggressively purchased” The Onion, a satirical “fake news” journal, “for substantially more than several hundred dollars.”

Sheldon Adelson Buys The OnionAdelson cited as his chief reason the Boston Globe’s recent front-page fake news story about President Trump deporting millions of Muslims and Mexicans.

“Shoot, even I fell for it,” he said. “These days you can’t tell the difference between a bluff and four Jacks.”

The toad-like billionaire adjusted his motorized wheelchair, its engine powered by the hate, venom and greed visibly exuding from his every pore.

“All of them so-called satire magazines is agin us,” he went on, “so now I got myself my own one, and it will make the other side look just as stupid as us.

“Not,” he added, “that I plan to interfere with its editorial independence, just like I don’t interfere with the editorial independence of the Vegas Review.”

Adelson recently purchased the Las Vegas Review-Journal, firing its entire staff “in a fit of satirical humor.” The new editor is said to be “independently loyal.”

The world’s 20th-richest man noted that the Onion would start celebrating its editorial independence next week, with headlines like Hillary’s Gross Bathroom Habits, Does Bernie Sanders Have Aids? and Suppressing Votes in Nevada for Fun and Profit.

He continued: “See, it’s not like us bloodsuckers don’t have plenty fake news on our side. After all, that’s the whole idea behind Fox News, innit?

“But let’s face it, Sean Hannity is about as funny as a bleeding hemorrhoid, at least not on purpose.”

Adelson added that he was also considering buying other popular satirical magazines, like the Humor Times, though its owners, he said, were reluctant to sell.

However, Humor Times proprietor James Israel noted that this was only because Adelson’s bid “is just a wee bit too low.

“Another fifty bucks and a hot weekend in Vegas,” Israel enthusiastically said, “and it could be his.”