‘This way, Donald Trump will have his own country to play with, and we get to pick the GOP nominee after all, just as Citizens United intended.’ – David Koch
NYC – The ubiquitously evil Koch brothers announced at a press conference today that under a new plan devised by themselves and the “Never Trump” movement, they would purchase the country of Uganda and install Donald Trump as its new president-for-life.
“Goldilocks desperately needs to be president of something,” mocked David Koch, older of the two multi-trillionaires (when computing in their Panamanian accounts).
“So, we looked around,” Charles continued, “and found that right now everyone in Uganda is totally freaking out about its foreign debt, 14 trillion shillings and growing. Sustainability, that’s all they talk about.”
“Yeah, but really,” David explained, “there’s like a million Ugandan shillings to the dollar, so the total only comes out at around $10 billion American.
“Frankly, between us and Wall Street, that’s quite doable.”
Charles continued: “Our idea is we pay off Uganda’s creditors, install The Donald as El Supremo or some other fancy title, and then it’s back to money-politics as usual in the good old US of A!”
“Exactly,” smirked David. “What we need in the Oval Office, as Karl Rove once said, is someone who’ll sign into law whatever our guys in Congress send up. We can’t rely on Donald for that, so he’s got to go.”
Charles held up several color photographs of former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin, resplendent in the blues and golds of Supreme Army Commander. “They say the President’s Palace in Kampala has dozens of these and other uniforms completely untouched and brand new. Donald will look grand in them and can play the part of Great White Chief to his heart’s content!”
The two brothers laughed and shook hands.
“Scott Walker for President!” they shouted, high-fiving each other.
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