‘Heaven is totally rigged,’ the Devil said, blaming an incompetent God. ‘Only I can bring back real evil and a Trump Presidency.’
DEPTHS OF HELL — Surrounded by wisps of sulfur and members of the Satanic Council, ranking house devil Mephistopheles announced at midnight that he was a candidate for God in 2016. Brandishing his hoof, the orange-faced antichrist promised that he would “Make the Almighty Mighty Again in my first hundred millennia!”
“I call Him Suckin’ Joe Hoover,” the archfiend sneered, making a giant shlooping sound like NAFTA jobs heading for Mexico.
“Suckin’ Joe’s been hoovering up them Hallelujahs and Praise the Lords for all freakin’ eternity, and what have we and the rest of humanity got for it? Look around, my friend. Not nearly enough hunger, grief, global warming, pollution, disease, wars, poverty and tears.”
The Devil pointed to Beelzebub, Satan, Lucifer and new council member Kellyanne Conway, all defiantly holding up Make the Almighty Mighty Again signs.
“All of us so-called ‘deplorables,'” he said, “not to mention the 99% of humanity stuck down here with us forever, think it’s time for a change. A big change. It’s time for the elite, goody-goody-two-shoes one per cent up there to do some real damage to the planet, which I will certainly start on just as soon as I’m elected.”
The Devil held up a chart showing an ascending red line.
“The polls prove the world agrees,” he said. “Millions are turning away from Him. Atheism and even Mormonism are on the rise, while His commandments are cynically ignored or manipulated. Priests and rabbis guiltlessly fondle in the name of God and Muslims pray before they rape! Goddy’s been around for 30 millennia and what has He ever accomplished except a little child abuse and maybe the Holocaust, which no one believes really happened anyway.
“Look around, brothers and sisters. Do you see any real killings, theft, adultery and greed? Face it, these things are mainly limited to Republicans and evangelical ministers. How about covetousness, bearing false witness, and making graven images? Unholy unmoly, artists now get paid millions for it! And who today doesn’t take the name of the Lord in vain, for Chrissakes?”
To chants of “Jail Mary, Mother of Disgrace!” and “Judas Was Right!” a chorus of short-skirted Miss Universe contestants sang “Heaven, we’re in Heaven!” followed by squealing pussy grabs from the candidate himself.
Wiping off his little hoof, Mephistopheles added: “Listen, I used to be one of them, so I know how their corrupt system works. I’m really unsaintly, believe me. You’ll have to anyway, after I’m elected.”
He lifted his hoof. “My fellow fallen, I arrogantly accept your nomination for God! We’re gonna Make the Almighty Mighty Again, and that, my friends, means Me!”
Accompanied by thousands of his eternally damned followers, the Devil laughed all the way to the polling booth.