“It’s a disgrace, Time Magazine not choosing me ‘Man of the Year’ again. And Elon Musk is just a mammogram for Noel Skum!” says the former prez.
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former US president Donald J Trump vowed eternal vengeance upon Time magazine for “yet again caving in to the libs” by naming fellow twit and tax-evader Elon Musk as Person of the Year 2021.
He went on, his orange flush deepening: “I mean, the guy has a name like a cheap perfume! Melania would wear that on a date with Justin Trudeau. Didja know Elon Musk is a mammogram for Noel Skum? Lone Kums? Enol Smuk?” he asked, taking a trembling, two-handed sip from a bottle of Fiji Water.
The former “but future” president promised that in the “first hour, nay, minute,” of his first day after the GOP’s 2024 “landslide victory,” he’d issue an Executive Order commanding Time to nominate him Person of the Year every year from then on.
“And don’t forget,” he added, “that could be 200 years.”
A related order would install him permanently as GQ’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” and fund a blockbuster movie showcasing his “hysterical” Alec Baldwin impression as a trigger-happy idiot who shoots himself in the foot over and over.
”I just hope,” Trump wound up, “that this Olen Ksum fella doesn’t get a visit from some of my patriotic tourist friends who might want to check his nomination results. The Teenage Ninja Turtles will also probably want to conduct a forensic audit. Mr Kmsu might just figger it’s healthier to resign.
“Maybe I could end up Time’s Person of the Year 2021 after all.”