[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
May the odds be ever in your favor to win health care – but if you lose, you won’t need it anymore anyway!
In the wake of a report from the Congressional Budget Office estimating that 24 million more people would end up uninsured under the Republicans’ proposed health care program, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer held a press conference introducing a new program guaranteed to give everyone “access to health care.”
Sean Spicer: Good morning, everyone. First, I want to reiterate the President will not tolerate the new health care plan being called “Trumpcare.” President Trump does not want his name associated with this legislation, unless it’s successful and people like it, then you can call it Trumpcare. Understood?
Good. Now, down to business, you media scum. The President promised to replace the scourge of humanity known as Obamacare with a better plan that will insure everyone and at a much lower cost. Today, he delivers on that promise by introducing “The Health Care Games.”
Murmurs were heard among the press corps. Spicer pounded both his fists on the podium and called for silence. Once the room fell quiet, Spicer continued.
Spicer: If someone cannot afford health care, they can fight for it in the Health Care Games. Winners will get health care, while losers will… Well, they were sick, anyway.
The room erupted with questions. Spicer pounded on the podium, demanding silence. White House police entered the briefing room, at this point, and reporters quieted down.
Jim Acosta, CNN: Wasn’t The Hunger Games on FX last night?
Spicer: Yes. So? The President gets confused. FX? Fox? Can you tell the difference? No, of course you can’t!
Spicer sneered at the reporter from CNN. Then continued.
Spicer: This idea comes only from the genius of the president’s brain. The Hunger Games has nothing to do with it. Next question.
Alex Jones, Info Wars: Will they fight to the death? Please tell me they will. I hope they do.
Spicer: Of course they will. That’s the brilliance of The Health Care Games. It’s the inevitable result of economic Darwinism. The Games will give the poor and the sick and all the rest of the riff-raff a chance of getting health care. Access for everyone and it doesn’t cost a thing. Just like the President promised.
The strong survive. That’s good for America.
Alex Jones: Who needs the whiners, anyway.
Spicer: And as an added benefit, those of most value to society, the money makers, will have a new form of entertainment, making them happier, and therefore blessing American society with their happiness. We’ll all get to bask in the glow of their joy.
“Trickle down happiness,” President Trump is calling it.
Tomi Lahren: Will Hillary compete?
Spicer: We haven’t thought about that, but it’s a good idea for a special event, Tomi.
Tomi: You could use tigers.
Spicer: Oh, that’s a good idea, too. You’re so full of them, Tomi.
“So full of it,” murmured a reporter behind me.
Spicer: Excuse me? Did someone say something?
The White House guards loomed threateningly, looking for whomever had spoken.
Spicer: I will no longer tolerate disobedience in these press conferences. And everyone will have the utmost respect for Miss Lahren.
The room became quiet.
Tomi: Thank you, Spicy. Don’t forget to include anyone who doesn’t want to stand for the pledge of allegiance.
Spicer: Another great idea. Why can’t the rest of you so-called journalists come up with great ideas like Tomi?
Spicer glared about the room. A reporter from CNN tentatively raised his hand. Spicer indicated he could ask his question.
CNN: Will Trumpcare –
The CNN reporter never got to finish his question. White House police and Stephen Miller pounced on him the moment he said, “Trumpcare,” and forcibly carried him out of the room. Moments later a gunshot was heard.
Spicer: He was warned. You were all warned. It’s not Trumpcare!
Spicer actually growled.
Spicer: Any more questions?
The room was silent.
Spicer: I didn’t think so. That concludes to today’s briefing and welcome to the Health Care Games.
We’re all members of District 12 now.
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